I’ll never understand why we aren’t buried in our final resting place wearing pajamas.
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I’m 45. When does my baby fat finally go away?
Nobody likes failing a CAPTCHA but you don’t need to worry if you’re really a robot unless you notice more than the normal amount of springs and gears in your poop.
[inventing alcohol]
What if there were an elixir that made me want to fight a police horse
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
[vet school]
ME: Welcome, students. Hope you brought textbooks because-
[spins cat on finger like basketball]
-I have no idea what I’m doing
“Honey, did you leave your tools out in the backyard?”
*sounds of sawing*
Oh no
*backyard is filled with dads building a deck*
Get the hose
Normal adult questions:
– who, what, when, where, why, howNormal 3 year old questions:
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
– why
I’m not an idiot, I’m an optimist which is kinda the same but like, waaaaay worse.
*brings elephant to knife fight
*nobody talks about it
“I hate seeing you like this,” she thought every time she encountered anyone over the course of the day.
ME [excited about how much sodium is in my club soda]: 0mg!
[zoo]
Hey dad, where are mountain lions from?
*dad panics*
-Uhh…you see, son, when a mountain and a lion love each other very much…
me: my doctor said to replace oil with applesauce to be healthier
mechanic: [looking at my car’s smoking engine] i think he just meant in food
[office]
BOSS: are you busy
ME: would you like me to be
[1st date]
Me: Sooo…Is there anything you’d like to ask me?Him: Well, there is one thing I’ve been wondering
Me: *batting lashes* Go ahead
Him: Is that a piece of hot dog in your hair?
Probably my best painting.
Co-worker: some food is way high in vitamins, k?
Me: that’s bananas.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
if you can’t handle me at my worst is there another preferably more affordable therapist you can refer me to
My Mother worries about me living in London sometimes.
I tell her it’s not London she has to worry about.
I just injured myself on a potato.
I’ve literally never clicked copied and pasted text and thought, “I’m so glad it kept the formatting and font from the other document.”
“I have so much to do” she says, staring at a tree for five years
I can’t find my ceremonial porcupine.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
@mariana057 If an Apple Store is in disrepair, is it an iSore?
Parenting is just putting throw pillows back on the couch every ten minutes until you die.
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
I’m jealous of Gen Z for missing the era of the “cute top.” I once asked a forum about club outfits ideas and everyone said “jeans and a cute top” and I said “what’s an example of a cute top” and they all just laughed and told me to Google it
BIDEN: That went well.
OBAMA: Did you have to say you loved Trump’s sons in Twilight?
BIDEN: It’s what I do.