Cop: Ma’am, Are you intoxicated?
Me: Are YOU intoxicated!
Cop: No
Me: Prove it!
Cop: *puts handcuffs on me*
Me: I like where this is going.
You Might Also Like
If I was a witch, I would curse people to have to poop right after showering
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy.” Then I just wait at green lights until I feel better about myself.
Tonight’s rookie mistake: Not budgeting enough time into my 5yo’s bedtime routine to argue with him about how to spell the letter K.
I’m worried my dog will never find out who’s a good boy.
I’m extremely upset with myself for speeding, Officer. Giving me a ticket now would only delay the healing process.
Weird how all salons are closed on Sundays, yet if you can convincingly fake a heart attack, paramedics will shave your chest-hair for free.
Women’s magazines:
Page 5: accept yourself for who you are
Page 8: how to lose 10lbs in 1 week
Page 12: best cake recipe
[Man chasing me through the woods wearing a hockey mask]
GIVE ME BACK MY PUCK
this burrito is terrible how can you call yourself a barista
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
Thousands of Amazon customers take the time each year to post “haven’t tried it yet” as a review — so no, I don’t overly concern myself with the opinions of internet strangers.
Yeah. I got blocked on ours for being sarcastic.
They all got panicked about an Asian guy in a van following kids around slowly. It was the Amazon guy delivering parcels.
Next day I started a post about a bloke with a red van putting stuff through people’s doors. Blocked.
anon_opin 😡🗯
@anon_opin
There’s no-one who can get more drunk on power than the admin of a village Facebook group
cellmate: how did you get here
me: i took the train
cellmate: no i mean what did you do
me: i just told you
science defines a baby as “a small smooth poopy man, no taller than a lamp”
me: where have you been? it’s 5am!
wife: I’m having an affair
me: omg who is he? [excited] tell me eeeeverything!
alien: take me to your leader
me: take me to YOUR leader
alien: *suddenly nervous* are you going to eat him?
i watch horror movies on the toilet so i can be scared shitless
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
You ever released wind at the bank and accidentally deposited loose change?
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
“ICE BUCKET CHALLENGE LOL!”
-captain of the Titanic
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
By today’s standards the butts in Sir Mix-a-Lot’s video weren’t really that big.
He liked medium butts.
So he lied.
I need a new salt grinder but I need one full of just Xanax because salt is bad for you.
God: Noah, I need an ark.
Noah: Why don’t you ask Joseph, the carpenter?
God: Uh [huge grin] cos I’m banging his wife? [raises hand] up top?
It’s really odd but it appears women want a boyfriend that lives thousands of miles away and is married.
I wasn’t craving chocolate bunnies until I opened the twitter. Thanks guys, now I have to go buy Easter candy before it’s on sale.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”