Wife: I’m home.
Me: [reading the Bible] hey Babe! did you know First Corinthians chapter 13, verses 4-7 states love is patient, love is kind-
Wife:
Me: [still reading ] -it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs…
Wife: what did you do?
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[During sex]
*Knock on the door*
Woman: Shit! It’s my boyfriend
Man: Oh shit!!! *Pulls out and jumps down from the bed* What do we do?
Woman: Hide in the closet. Quick!
Man: Okay, smart. Let me just…wait…
Woman: What?
Man: Karen, I’m your husband!
My Therapist thinks i need a women in my life. But all the women i know thinks i need a therapist.
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
“Treat Others the Way You Want to be Treated”
*Buys everyone snacks
Kim – Where is North West?
Kanye – *takes out compass*
Kim – I mean my baby!
Kanye – I’m right here.
Kim – Jesus Kanye!
Kanye – Yeezus*
Still holding out hope that these intrusive thoughts are just gas.
Your life flashes before your eyes right before you die. It takes an average of 70-80 years.
If my iPod doesn’t work in the next few minutes, I’m throwing it in the river.
It can either sync or swim.
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer (1964): An adolescent reindeer is first mocked, and then taken advantage of because of a birth deformity.
*Timmy cries from the bottom of the well
*Lassie takes gloves off, looks both ways, then walks away casually
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
BACK IN OUR DAY, WE DIDN’T HAVE ANY FANCY EPI-PENS!!!
We just died…
AND WE LIKED IT!!!
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Ending all emails in 2022 with BING BONG!
[Catwoman’s Lair]
Robin: I hear someone.
Batman: Lets’s hide in this sandpit.
{5 min later}
R: This is a litter box isn’t it?
B: I think so.
guy inventing constellations: see that square? it’s a fish
Dear Parker, I’m typing this because the fountain pen you sold me does not, I repeat DOES NOT, work in fountains.
Please advise me of your returns policy forthwith.
My entire life feels like I’m holding a small, sticky child that isn’t mine.
“Erectile Dysfunction” is such a harsh term. Why not just call it “Sleepy Peepee?”
A priest, a minster, and a rabbit walk into a bar. The rabbit says, “I think I’m a typo.”
4th of July Pro Tip: If you’re looking for quality, never buy fireworks from a guy with more than seven fingers.
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
A pirate dating app called, “Shiver Me Tinders”
I took a picture of a kid’s chest x-ray to show the family (he had pneumonia). I showed the kid and he gasped. Then in an awestruck voice he said, “I have a skeleton.”
“I’ll never forget you!” I yelled to what’s his name.
[broken down by the side of the road]
ME: I think it’s the carburetor.
WIFE: You sure?
ME: Absolutely.
WIFE: Do you even know what that is?
ME: Of course.
WIFE: What does a carburetor do?
ME: It carburetes.
Fun experiment: Go into any store and ask for “the big stupid looking guy” see who they bring you
I ripped my duvet and now there are feathers everywhere. This is the adult equivalent of glitter