just overheard my boyfriend, who works outside all day, describe me to someone as “an indoor cat”
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scary then: a phone call came from inside the house
scary now: a phone call
1965~ Wow Cher looks good
1985 ~ Wow Cher looks good
1995 ~ Wow Cher looks good
2020 ~Wow Cher looks good
3035 ~ Wow Cher looks good
They said no texting while driving but they never said anything about giving four ferrets a nice bubble bath
Couple: [hands me camera] Do you mind taking a picture?
“Sure”[click]
Couple: How does it look?
“I just got my hair done, so pretty good”
I haven’t been to Target since February. I wonder how it’s even staying in business without me.
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
Her: I like dogs
Me: *dies in 10-13 years*
5:21am: I hope someone gets mad at me today.
5:22am: Oh good.
Before I proposed to my GF I asked her father but he was already married.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
MTV giving awards for music is the same as Fox News giving an award for unbiased journalism.
When people say “what do you want, a cookie?” It’s like yeah. That would be great. Would help my mood immensely
willy wonka: it’s a factory, accidents happen
me: ok but your employees sang about it…in detail
willy wonka: lol that was sick righ-
me: there was choreography, it…it rhymed
willy wonka:
me: how did- how could they have prepared
Why do I keep paying the bills? It just encourages them to send more.
Married people upset because their TC’s “cheated” on them is the real matrix.
І never thought І wouId say thіs, and іt took me a whіle to come to terms, but І thіnk І ate too much bacon.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
My daughter put a horse’s head in my bed this morning. It was from an animal cracker but conveyed the message pretty clearly who is boss.
I hate when I’m trying to be handsome & a more handsome man stands next to me & handsomes much harder than I can.
someone once broke up with me because they “had a big crush on this random person at a party” and it made them realize they weren’t that attracted to me. I moved on and got married and years later found out that I married THE RANDOM PERSON AT THE PARTY!!!!! Lol suck it
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
Had the old “waterboarding your coworkers for making your coffee get cold is not punishment fitting the crime” talk with HR today.
Again.
My husband was unable to find his coat earlier as he’d accidentally hung it up.
Doc: I have bad news about your test results
Me: oh man did I fail
Doc: not that kind of test
Me: so I passed?
Doc: no but you will in a week
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
🙂🙃🥹
the show The Witcher is incredibly unfaithful to the game. where are the shots of Henry Cavill spending 7 to 10 minutes unsuccessfully trying to climb a small wall
Are you a can of biscuits? Because I’d like to bang you on the counter.