I already tried new things thanks.
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Evolution saved Big Bird from fitting in a mine.
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
“Friends” ended 10 years ago today, but thanks to television, “me having friends” ended long before that.
[Subway]
ME: i’ll have a footlong meatball sub on Italian herb & cheese thanks
SUBWAY: *train noises*
Psst. The real reason Ryan Gosling is taking a break from acting was to molt, mature & become Ryan Goose.
[Shipwreck Diary]
Day 29: worried I’m losing track of time
Day 4: nope. I’m fine
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
Never noticed how many times the doorbell rings on The Golden Girls? Watch it with a dog.
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
– “I love Beyoncé…
– Whatever floats your boat dude.
– No, you’re thinking of ‘buoyancy’.
– …”
[At the store]
Me: Where are your masks?
Kids: We didn’t bring them.
Me: Why not.
Kids: Because you didn’t tell us like mom would.
I’m uncomfortable around tall people. what if they pick me up and put me on their shoulders
My stove is the most expensive cigarette lighter I’ve ever purchased.
What’s wrong with university websites, a short play:
*opens university homepage*
*types in search box: “calendar”, “academic calendar”, “JUST SHOW ME THE PAGE WITH THE ACADEMIC CALENDAR ON IT”*
*gives up*
*googles name of university + “academic calendar”*
*clicks hit #1*
~fin~
She was rare…
… like pants ordered online during lockdown, that actually fit.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
Pretty lame how horses and dogs don’t capitalize on their ability to wear 2 pairs of jean shorts at once
If you’re feeling this, that’s normal. Take it easy ❤️
Them: You’re too pretty to look so sad
Me: Sorry, I’ll try to look more ugly
Take my daughter once, shame on you. Take her twice, shame on me. Take her 3 times, and you’re ruining the franchise.
The Teen Choice Awards has to be the most legit award show because teens always make the best choices.
Thank god madagascar 3 is coming out. Just didnt get the closure i needed with the first 2
Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: You need to be punished *takes off clothes*
Me: Yes, I do!
Wife: Do the laundry
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Teamwork is essential, it allows you to blame someone else.
Schrödinger: How’s my cat, Doc?
Vet: I have good news and bad news..
Get in loser we’re going crying
My children wanted to play neighbours and are very upset that I called the cops to report them for trespassing
I think it’s fun that witches chose brooms to fly on, but if I were them, I’d fly on a rifle. This way when you land you have a rifle.