If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
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Walmart is fun because all the workers know nothing except for the one who knows everything and your job is to figure out which one that magic worker is
What do you call a cappuccino with an old friend?
A catchupino.
#RubbishJokes
“I don’t see things as half full or half empty. I try to be optimistic!”
-Me explaining to my husband why I ran out of gas.
*gets out of bed*
*steps on something*
me: Ugh
*turns light on*
wife: What is it?
me: The cat caught another smart car
FRIEND: you gotta go home and show your wife who’s boss
ME: damn right
[later]
ME: jen listen up *pulls out photo* this is my manager tim
[1st day as a Transformer]
GAS STATION ATTENDEE: And your total comes to $43,789.95
ME: (becomes a Decepticon)
If I ever want to keep a secret from a man, I’ll put it in the fridge. They can’t find anything in there.
“What about flying rats with no poop muscles and scissors for mouths?”
– God creating birds
Her: I want you to leave me breathless
Me: *hides her inhaler
BAKER: Baking is a science that requires precision, timing, and accurate measurements. OK… 11, 12, 13. Anyway, here’s a dozen cupcakes.
Moms, teach your sons to mind their manners, cook a decent meal & look for inner beauty.
Dads, teach your daughters how to throw a punch.
I’ve been singing “it’s the most wonderful time of the year” to my kids in honor of school starting, and wow, are they mad about it.
I wouldn’t ask a woman if she was pregnant even if I was performing a sonogram on her and the baby waved.
I can’t get out of bed, my Fitbit is charging and my steps won’t count
*Bites werewolf*
Me: At every sunrise you will transform into middle management.
Werewolf: No!
Me: And you will go to bed at a reasonable time…EVERY NIGHT.
.. do you even science?
Times I’ve served soup with my ladle: 0
Times I’ve been prevented from opening/closing a drawer by my ladle: 18,971
i love modern commerce
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
The truth will set you free.*
*In the middle lane of Interstate 25 during rush hour.
Might start wearing turtlenecks so that when I want someone to stop talking to me, I can just unroll the neck up over my face
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
Taught a parrot to repeatedly say “WHERE ARE YOUR GLOVES?” and now I don’t have to talk to my kids until Spring so that’s pretty cool.
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
The Wicked Witch swings a light saber at Obi-Wan just as he throws a water balloon at her. All anyone finds later are piles of clothes.
America is a country where half the money is spent buying food, and half is spent trying to lose weight, and half is spent on education.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
Pretty rude of my boyfriends’ wife to keep posting pics from their trip to Aruba.
Cornhub…
For them dirty farmers.