boss: ok which one of you clowns tried to fax a pie?
me: *tearing off my rainbow wig and quickly hiding it in my comically oversized pants* i think it was steve
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Watching Thor: Ragnorok and never get tired of hearing Bruce Banner brag about his 7 PhDs like it’s a sign of brilliance and not just poor career planning, dude. Like, maybe do the one PhD and then some postdocs, guy.
Grocery shopping in 2004: Clip coupons out of Sunday newspaper to use at checkout.
Grocery shopping in 2024: Clip digital coupons, download the app, scan QR code, enter rewards member number, password and the FBI nuclear launch codes at self-checkout to save 50 cents on bananas.
When I refer to old relatives passing away I never say “RIP” because I don’t wants them to rest. I want them to Zumba.
What idiot named it balding & not vanishing into thin hair
quitting my job before Christmas and starting a new one on January 2 was a great decision because I have no emails to respond to
My daughter is too old for Disney channel movies so I obviously need another kid.
*washes your smart car with a moist towelette*
Her, 5: can I have another pickle?
Me: no more pickles
Her: can I stare at the pickles?
Me: sure
are elective head amputations covered by insurance oh shoot i thought this was google
Saw a girl wearing a hoodie, shorts and UGGs. My stepdaughter said, “Seasonally challenged sluts are the worst.” I am beyond proud.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
1. OMG will this ever end?
2. OMG will this ever end?
3. OMG will this ever end?-top 3 things on my mind when I’m in a a conversation
If you keep bending your iPhone 6 you’ll eventually have a sweet flip phone.
Me: wow I can’t believe these were only 2 dollars, they look like such good quality nobody will ever know they weren’t expensive!
Someone: oh wow nice pants
Me (beaming with pride): THEY WERE 2 DOLLARS
Running from your problems is cardio .
Who even thought of soup? Were they like, you know what this perfectly good meal needs? Water.
Me, representing myself in court:
First of all your honour, how could I have known that this was illegal? I’m not a lawyer!
Maybe she’s born with zits, maybe it’s methamphetamine
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
Interviewer: It says here you’re good at making up words. How often do you find that useful?
Me: Contuitively.
Well, look who I ran into at the liquor store. First I thought he was shopping so didn’t wanna bother him, but then I saw the shirt and thought “wait a minute, he works here?!”
Turns out, he’s the owner. A quiet life away from the glitz & glam. May we all learn a thing or two 🙌
Other Whole Foods customer: In this light I can’t make out the color of this cheese. What color is this? I want something to serve with figs.
Lionel Richie: Yellow. Is it brie you’re looking for?
My white cat has been beating up my black cat a lot lately so I guess he’s been reading the news and knows he won’t get punished for it.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
“I’m excited for the continental breakfast”
*sees a buffet just full of ice cubes*
“What the…”
Sign: Today’s Continent is Antartica
The Facebook emojis are stages of dating-marriage-divorce
so a US company has to buy tiktok or the app will be banned??? Well folks, looks like we need to put on the best talent show this town has ever seen.
Me: finally drifting off to sleep
The alarm: you’re not gonna believe this