Kids be like mom look at me when you’re driving 70 mph on the freeway.
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I don’t mean to brag but most people double lock their door after I leave
Came home to find 13 doing the dishes without being asked.
Now I’m just waiting on the police to get here with the news of whatever he did.
I went to the doctor yesterday. Because “was attacked by geese” is on my medical record, first question every time from both nurse & doctor is, “Any more trouble with geese?”
There’s a class war brewing on the farm. It’s the hooves and the hoof nots.
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
It doesn’t qualify as a murder mystery unless the detective describes the crime in detail, turns to the least likely person in the room and says, “but you probably already knew that… didn’t you?”
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
Spider 1: … So, they live in there?
Spider 2: Yep.
Spider 1: I can’t believe that this *taps brick house wall* comes out of their butt!
Mob Boss: Did you check the money for marks?
Me: Why would I, we’ve never had a president named Mark
Mob Boss: …
Me: *getting nervous* H-have we?
The husband came home from work, handed me a package and said “I bought you a new toilet seat.”
I took the package and said “yay!” without sarcasm.Sincerely,
18 years of marriage.
One time my dad caught me smoking an e-cig so he took me out to the shed and made me smoke an entire VCR.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
i now pronounce you bounced.
I’m a puzzle wrapped in an enigma hidden inside a set of Russian Nesting Dolls, so deep, so profound that – what? Yes, I’ll have fries.
You should never forget where you came from. That’s probably where your keys are.
Obituaries always read, “passed away peacefully surrounded by family”, I want mine to read, “died in a blazing glory of incompetence”
train me.
no.
train me.
okay.
training montage.
the big fight.
i’m glad you trained me.
i’m glad i trained you.
#everyboxingmovie
Been unable to sell my house for over a decade because I’d rather tell prospective buyers it’s haunted than admit I can’t hang pictures straight.
One time I went on the Hulk rollercoaster and had maybe the best picture ever taken of me
We’re starting this social distancing thing as a family of six but given how everyone is getting along on day one, we might end up a family of four.
It was my turn to pick a team building activity on Zoom so I typed hide-n-seek in the chat and left the meeting
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
have an idea for a hot wings restaurant. the wings are free, but napkins cost $100…
I read murder mysteries for complicated plot lines, well rounded characters, and creative yet practical alibis.
I’ll make sure my house is clean when you first come over to visit
But after that I don’t care because you’ve seen it clean once
People calling themselves a Personal Coach right now feels a lot like that time I called myself a Soccer Coach when my son was six.
You need sex.
I need sex.
She needs sex.
I have an idea…
Hug your kids as often as possible.
They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock