“Have a seat”
*Turns on video of son eating pizza with a fork and knife.*
“Dad I…” **Dad puts up hand* “Please don’t call me that.”
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My kids decided to build their own LEGO nativity this year and honestly I had no idea there were so many stormtroopers at the birth of Christ
My wife has only one rule: I am always wrong…no, she has two rules.
Mom: Want to come over for dinner?
Me: No thanks, already ate
Mom: What did you have?
Me: Peanut butter
Mom: With?
Me: Spoon
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
I just hit the back arrow on a website and it took me to a page that said “before you leave” no. I already made the decision.
You can’t force me to watch your ads. YouTube. I will look away and plug my ears
How to pet your cat:
1) start with their favourite spot
2) wrong
Not now pee, I’m sleeping.
Me: I found some sunglasses. Got any wallets?
Lost&Found: this isn’t an exchange
Me: *pulls sunglasses back*
LF: security!
Me: *runs*
My new lady Dr just flirted with me. Bit her bottom lip and told me I’m too sweet.
*Her exact words were “severely diabetic,” but I know how to read the signs.
Want followers? Tweet something funny.
Can’t think of anything? Tweet something honest.
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Try Facebook.
My iPhone does NOT rule my life.
Battery – Don’t worry, Siri. I got this.
funny how siblings excel at different things for instance I’m the funny one and my brother is the successful one
I may not be a victoria secret model but I do like to wear a somewhat of a matching pyjamma set in case a robber breaks in and decides to critique me on my sleeping attire.
[camping]
“Dad I’m afraid a raccoon is gonna come in my tent and eat me”
-don’t be silly. It’ll probably be a bear. Sleep tight.
Man Hoping People Notice How Many Folding Chairs He’s Carrying At Once
Husband: *leaves to run an errand*
Me: *crosses out “get husband to leave” off to-do list*
I’m so single…..
When they ask me for an emergency contact I put the neighbours dog.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
My therapist said that I needed to find healthier ways of expressing my anger.
So I decided to jog home after setting fire to my ex’s car.
This morning I woke from a dream. I have no memory of it except that I was asking someone, “Is constipation a problem for fish?”
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
dam girl
[Deletes duplicate memes on my phone]
“Weigh me now”.
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
Sorry I can’t help you move, my hands are in permanent air quotes
How did you get this number..?
– me to my whole family..
[2nd time at girls house]
“where’s your dog?”
Oh he isn’t mine. I was dog sitting
[makes text alert sound w mouth] “Its work. I gotta go”