I made a rabbit stew last night. My husband complained there was a hare in it.
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Me: That guy is a bad apple.
6-year-old: He’s a person.
Me: I just meant he’s mean.
6: Probably because you called him an apple.
If you ever ask a teen to do something and they just say “sure” without arguing, check that they haven’t been replaced with an android.
“Pretend to be someone you’re not and receive candy.” Quick: Halloween or Valentine’s Day?
My brain is a bad influence on me
A cashier could hand me a receipt & say “go online and fill out the survey and in a week they’ll deposit $10M into your bank account” and I still wouldn’t take the damn survey.
If there is a god and he “loves” us then explain spiders
I’ve dated a guy who collected stained glass and wore bowling gloves so don’t talk to me about standards.
I’ve watched “Aladdin” like 25 times with my kids, so I know quite a bit about politics in the Middle East.
If aliens ever attack, I hope they do it in rows of 8, going right and left directly above me. I’m very skilled at shooting aliens this way
(interview for construction job)
Foreman: Your resume is just pictures of LEGOs?
Me: (proudly) Didn’t even have to look at the instructions
“i think anyone using twitter still is evil” okay what are you gonna do about it. post about me on something called Florpable
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
My mom: why didn’t you say yes when I asked if you had a boyfriend?
Me: you asked if there were any “lucky men” in my life. My boyfriend’s life is miserable
If I go in my purse and pull out items solely by shape, I never know if it’s gonna be a pen, a tampon, or a stick of beef jerky.
Either you’re giving me butterflies or that chicken was bad
I just typed “relationship” and it came up “delusional” on my phone. First time I realized my phone really is smart.
Diet day 1: kale, kale everywhere
Diet day 1.5: snorting powdered sugar off of a Dairy Queen flyer while flipping pancakes
Got my son a bumper sticker
“Proud Child of a Twitter Dad” …and now he proudly displays it
on the inside of his trunk.
I’m starting to think some of you are actually on Facebook.
You know we just joke about being Facebook right?
I thought that raisin on the floor was a bug and then I thought that’s gross, someone brought raisins in my house.
I wonder if under reasons for divorce Elvis wrote, “A little less conversation, a little more action please”
DETECTIVE: Are you the new chalk outline guy?
ME: Yes I am
DETECTIVE: Stick to the bodies, no more thought bubbles with spaghetti inside them
ME: Eve-
DETECTIVE: Yes, even if they were thinking about spaghetti
[Dance studio]
Instructor: tell us a little about what brings you here today
ME: *opening bag* I was told there’d be salsa
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
[True Love’s gf on 7th day of Christmas, forcing smile]
awww Swans! how sweet! thx hon, these 7 birds will go nicely with the other 16 birds
Reddit really can be a magical place sometimes
All my scars & bruises tell a story.
The story of a guy who falls down A LOT when he’s drunk.
Jesus probably figured things out when everyone kept calling it the Last Supper.