Relationship status: interlocking my fingers with five mozzarella sticks like I’m holding hands
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Dress for the job you want others to think you have.
[at a dinner party]
Me: hey can I get a picture of the table?
Everyone: *leans in, faces me, smiles*
Me: you’re all blocking the table
Daughter: Before the internet how’d you get anything done?!
Me: I don’t remember honey. Google it.
“Tuna?”
“Yes.”
“Catnip?”
“On the list.”
“What about-“
“Relax Alvin, I got this.”
I’d get down on my knees and pitch my gardening skills but I don’t want to sell myself short.
When a man tries to hug me hello or goodbye I whisper in his ear “tip to tip” and sigh as we embrace to ensure we never do it again.
How to test a responsive website for various screen sizes via @aghoshb
My daughter woke up at 6:06 today instead of her usual 6:00 because we let her stay up 5 hours past her bedtime last night.
Pulling out the ouija board at the office and asking Craig from accounting if I can hit up his widow
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
[first day working at a bakery]
Customer: can I get a-
Me (brushing crumbs from my mouth): we’re out
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
I just wanna be alone but I have all this internet access.
Sometimes I try to reason with people, but invariably they start talking again.
An attorney is a lot like a Dominatrix.
You don’t want to be seen with them in public, but they’re handy when you’re in cuffs.
Just realized that my spirit animal is Winnie the Pooh.
Two words: No pants.
olive garden manager: why are you quitting
waiter: i signed up to guard olives
My husband: sneezes and starts updating the will and shopping for coffins
Me, on my deathbed: I’m fine, it’s just seasonal allergies.
I hate it when women announce they’re pregnant five minutes after they’ve peed on a stick, just for the attention.
My mom waited almost 20 years before she told anyone about me. It’s called decorum.
Me: Do the dishes.
10-year-old: That’s the worst possible thing you could say to me.
Me: Do the dishes all week.
“The 1st Amendment is a magical shield that protects you from any consequences after publically posting your opinions online.”
– idiots
Me: I cleaned under the fridge and there were a bunch of Honey Nut Cheerios
Wife: How do you know they weren’t regular Cheerios???
Me: …
Wife: …
Me: *drinks water*
*As the Titanic sinks*
Bandleader: Next, we’d like to play something off our new album
Guy clinging to railing: BOOOOOOO
Only rings I’m interested in are made from onions.
angel: whatcha making?
god: *sharpening a dolphin* shark
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
Me: can’t I have to go see my therapist
Them: you’ve got to stop calling your bed that
If your neighbor has wind chimes, you have wind chimes.
I have a hard time believing that bears made porridge & the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!