Men look so amazing for people who use the same product for their teeth, hair, floor and car washing.
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Naked and afraid, but it’s just me getting out of the shower, the door bell ringing and I can’t find a towel.
Okay, you got me, I’m not really a gynecologist. What gave it away? Was it the tongue thing?
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
If you say “I don’t feel good” and a pregnant woman says “Me neither,” DO NOT respond with “Yeah, but you chose this for yourself…”
Who called it a wolf in sheep’s clothing and not a woolf?
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
he’s got his mother’s eyes, and his father’s chin… when will this child stop collecting bodyparts
If you love someone, set them free.
When they come back, because they will, make sure you are extremely happy with someone better looking.
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Me: Have a good day at school.
Child: Not possible.
Me: What? Why not?
Child: Hey dad, have a good day at work.
Me: Oh ok I see what you’re saying.
waitress: *showing me around the restaurant* welcome, is this your first time?
me: no no I’ve eaten food before
I live in constant fear that my kids will grasp the concept of time at any moment. And all my parenting lies will be found out.
Scientists claim that the Big Bang was the loudest noise that has ever occured in history. They obviously haven’t met my kids.
Reverse interview. Here is my answer: “No”
Now, ask me the question
Therapist: So it says on your chart that you had a complete psychotic breakdown, can you explain to me what you think lead to this?
TwinzerMom: My kids…. they wouldn’t (breaks into tears)
Therapist: Go on
TwinzerMom: THEY WOULDN’T STOP MIXING THE PLAY-DOH!!!
ME: *tiptoes quietly out of the house alone at 3am* *drives 20 miles into the countryside* *goes into a cave and walks a mile through a series of tunnels* *enters a lead-lined room* *quietly opens a packet of crisps*
MY DOG: *ears prick up*
Prank Idea: Toss some red laundry in the ocean and turn the great white sharks into the great pink sharks.
my mom: we found this under your bed and we are very disappointed *pulls out copy of “drugs for dummies”*
my dad: lol nerd
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
I don’t mean to brag but HR told me no one had ever eaten everyone’s lunch before as a reason to fit their own food in the fridge.
HIM: promise you won’t tell anyone?
ME: yeah! [under my breath] except my best friend
HIM: what?
ME: nothing! [whispering] there is a hierarchy of loyalty and your position on that hierarchy is low
HIM: what did you say?
ME: that ur secret’s safe with me 🙂
*gets naked*
*gets baked*
*doesn’t get why they don’t rhyme*
My kitten has a lot of sass for someone that falls over still when she sneezes.
Mario: can I buy you a drink?
Peach: ew get a life
Mario: *eats mushroom* …now?
Coffee so hot I give it my real phone number.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
ME: *admires her calves* ooohh nice
HER: do you mind?!
ME: sorry, sorry *admires her piglets instead*
I spilled red wine on my white pants. So I decided to sprinkle blue glitter on them too. I’m now a top seller on Etsy.
I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.