interviewer: it says here u have a number of skills
me: yes, that number is zero
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We value your privacy. We always get top dollar for it.
Tell the dude at Starbucks your name is Poison Coffee, and when he calls your name, fall out of your chair onto the floor.
Thanksgiving and Christmas should be six months apart. Absurd to see those people again so soon. Insane.
10YO: [on her ipad] beat my high score!
ME: y’know they’re just numbers on a screen right? they don’t mean anything
[checks follower count]
It’s almost summer and I’m only three stomach flus and a couple tapeworms away from my beach body!!!
JAMES CAMERON: i have the single greatest idea for a movie based on the biggest iceberg disaster in history—
ME: [exaggerated sigh] dude, no one is going to watch an entire movie about lettuce
I’m a go getter
And right now I’m a go getter nap
I put my hand upon your hip
And then I steal yo queso dip
I sympathize with the journalist intern assigned to uncover my scandalous past, only to stumble upon countless pictures of me indulging in gravy.
My girlfriend told me to treat her like a princess. So i married her off to a random stranger to strengthen the alliance with France.
therapist: would you say youre an optimist or pessimist?
me: im not sure
therapist: well when you look at your drink you brought in do you think it’s half full or empty?
me: did…did you drink half of my milkshake?
therapist: *wiping away milk moustache* i’ll put pessimist
I was planning to take a flu shot until I found out it isn’t a kind of drink.
As my friend confessed, “My teenage daughter never even talks to me,” I struggled to conceal my jealousy.
First date
Me: when you said you were a WWF fanatic, I thought you meant Words with FriendsHim:(in tights) YOU’RE GOING DOWN *flips table*
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
Love that person who tells me to ‘take a drink of water’ when I’m CHOKING ON WATER.
We need more names like Benedict Cumberbatch:
Omelet Easydozen
Florentine Pepperbatter
“My wife keeps mistaking me for Alice in Wonderland characters.”
“Are you mad at her?”
“Oh god, not you too”.
Who will tell him he’s not a dog !
I’ve had a lot of frank conversations with my daughters about the perils of growing up, drugs and boys and strangers and whatnot, but the one lesson I hope that sticks above all others is how they must be very, very careful about what they do to their eyebrows.
I was raised by wolves
I was then lowered by bearsThey really should only have one species of animal operating these cranes
Looking forward to Keanu Reeves making improvements to his home in the upcoming
Matrix: Renovations
me: [pretends to throw ball for my GF’s dog and laughs]
GF: “you’ll regret that one day”
me: “why?”
GF: “my dog holds grudges”
me: “don’t be stupid”
[one year later]
priest: “does anyone here know why these two should not be wed?”
from the back: “WOOF”
Who taught this was a good idea? The backbreaker.
*Christmas with The Schrödingers
Dr. Erwin Schrödinger: [shaking a wrapped box, excited] Is it a new cat?
*His family smiles nervously at each other
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Make someone’s day better by not showing up for work
get you a girl who
Kids just said, “we made a piñata for the cat’s birthday!” and I’m here like we have a cat and it has a birthday?