ME: So it’s like a spank bank for your feelings?
THERAPIST: Most people just call it a journal, but sure
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facebook is down so i am having to improvise
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Captain America is fighting with the Red Skull on Twitter right now. This is too real.
Why isn’t there an egg flavored Gatorade you cowards?
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
[ 4 dentists coming out of the woods ]
me: hey weren’t there five of you
them: (in agreement) no
When my neighbor’s bed starts rhythmically hitting the wall, I like to drum back. Last night, we had a real jam session going.
Kids: Yay! We have a 4 day weekend!
Me: *drinks wine straight from bottle*
MECHANIC: listen, I’m not sure if I can fix this
FRED FLINTSTONE: *cradling his broken legs*
i’m laughing very hard in real life
Halfway through my stand-up routine I started getting heckled. The crowd shouted such insults as “This sucks” and “Stop it” and “Why are you doing this to us, Mom?”
been making coffee at home instead of getting starbucks for two months which according to economists should’ve made me a billionaire by now so what is happening
me: I was doing crossfit on the night in question
cop: you’re not even a suspect
me: I just wanted u to know
i liked her. i wifed her. 🤎
Me: I can’t live like this anymore, I need to start eating healthier.
Also Me: I couldn’t decide between nuggets or a burger so I got both.
Mouse
I have a lift function on my wheelchair so I can reach tall counters. The lift moves really slowly. One time, I got overcharged for something. I tried to storm out of the store, but my chair just slowly lowered to the ground as the cashier stared at me.
Obama’s gonna take all your decorative soaps.
Wow. I got my first #ChatGPT-written paper for an undergrad assignment on positionality. This line was the tell: “I do not have a personal history, identity, or culture in the traditional sense because I am an artificial intelligence language model.” Ooof!
Whatever, I’ve been in better hostage situations than this
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
Really discouraging that there’s still bald people in sci fi movies.
I’m not ashamed of my past. Well, except for that time I used the word snazzy.
Me: His breathing annoys me. Always with the in and out and back in again. Like, enough already.
Marriage Counsellor: …
[teaching son to swim]
Me: get this wrong & you die
A drum solo but on your face.
Stop, Drop, and Roll: A Beginners Guide to Bowling