(me, as a caveman, inventing religion):
what if there’s a giant sky man who will be like super pissed if you don’t give me money
You Might Also Like
How did you break your leg?
[flashes back to tripping over couch] I twisted it while pushing a toddler out of the way of an oncoming train.
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
Father in law: How are you preparing for the future?
Me: I buy Monopoly games in case one day Monopoly money becomes legal tender.
*only shaves legs in the spots exposed by my ripped jeans*
“That’s so cool,” she lied.
I’ll host Thanksgiving if I can wear a bejeweled pantsuit and throw a wine glass at a painting while saying, “Goddammit, Daniel, nobody cares about your novel.”
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I believe in karma which means I can do bad things to people all day long and just assume they deserve it.
If Amazon boxes become the currency of the post-apocalyptic world my family will be rich.
TRUMP: i’m the greatest man who ever lived
GUY WHO CAME UP WITH THE IDEA FOR THE TINY ONION VOLCANOS AT JAPANESE STEAKHOUSES: bitch please
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
Karen mislaid her phone and called a cafe we were at this morning to see if she’d maybe left it there.
Conversation on the other end of the line:
Person a: Have we had a phone handed in?
Person b: What, a mobile?No mate, a landline 🙄
Music is a scam. You can listen to all kinds of other noises for free
Me: I have shark like reflexes
“Don’t you mean cat like reflexes”
Me: NO!
*i charge*
*he bops me on the nose*
*I run away*
If you ever see me running… it’s either away from my problems or towards an ice cream van
And I will strike down upon thee with great vengeance…
Barista: Sir your Caffè Mocha is ready.
Me: Oh ok nevermind.
My 5yo niece when I win the game she just made up
This January has 47 Mondays
“In just 4 years, you can get a 4 year degree!”
Yes, “university” commercial–that math checks out.
me: babe, i think we’re ready to take this to the next level. here’s a key, i want you to move in
her: it says volvo on it
They wrote “Kevin” on my coffee cup lol how do you get “Kevin” from “David” not to mention they got my order completely wrong
Bang me like a vending machine that cheated you out of a snack.
My husband loves to role play Sexy Star Wars in bed.
Maybe one day I’ll get to wear the golden bikini.
Home Alone is my favorite movie about the inevitable homicidal tendencies that come from prolonged neglect.
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
I need a chiropractor for my brain.
If I go missing, please understand, I have lied about my weight on my license, dramatically.
Please look at this text I just received from my boyfriend and yes you have the same amount of context as I do
where did you get them pants?
[wife goes to answer but stops then narrows her eyes] you’re not going as me for halloween again are you?
A time capsule but it’s just the back of the fridge