He won’t let me complain to the neighbors, so I renamed the WiFi to ‘SHUT YOUR DOG UP, DICKS’
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My 4yo’s favorite library book right now is a collection of articles from the ’90s about keeping iguanas as pets.
We do not have an iguana.
*pronounces carrot like tarot*
Nothing prepares you for the day your adult son starts sharing sexual jokes in the family group text.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
“An eye for an eye?”
– a cannibal at a swap meet
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
*sucks stomach in for entire 3 year relationship*
gf: I wanna break up
*flops stomach out*
me: finally
Hendrix didn’t need to twerk on stage. He performed the old fashioned way, relying only on his musical talents and near lethal doses of LSD.
Sometimes a joke is a great way to break tension during an unpleasant situation, and lately, I’ve also been discovering all the other times when it absolutely is not.
Who Left The Bag Of Idiots Open?
Microdosing being a pigeon by delivering a letter.
saw a post the other day explaining how killer whales became the #1 predators of cows in Alaska. turns out cows love to eat the kelp churned up by rough seas. also turns out cows get hit by waves and washed out to sea.
also cows float. 😂🐄🦈
[Heaven]
God: Sorry I pulled you away from earth
Stan Lee: Nuff said!
God: It’s just part of the job
Stan Lee: well with great power… [winks]
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
Not to spoil the eclipse for y’all but Bella chooses Edward lol
Wow, my son running for student body president just punched a kid on the school newspaper & then the school board made my son the principal.
Add mushrooms to any salad for that farm fresh taste of dirt.
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
Look, you can tell me what to do in an emergency and that’s fine, but I’m going to do what I do best, and that is panic.
*climbing on massage table*
Me: Okay so here’s the thing, I don’t like to be touched
i’m vegan but i’m not annoying about it, like i eat meat and stuff
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
*changes entire paper to past tense to try to increase the page count*
[sideline]
QUARTERBACK: I think we should run it. How about you?
COACH: Hmm…pass[huddle]
CENTER: Well?
QUARTERBACK: He refused to answer
If you get an email at work from my cat with an attachment delete it
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
Mechanic: Your car won’t pass inspection.
Me: Here’s $20 to look the other way.
Mechanic [looking the other way]: Your car won’t pass inspection.
You have this moment of realization that you have zero survival skills. If you’re like me, you do nothing with this information.