“So, why do you want to be a veterinarian?”
[pictures an army of cyborg dogs with laser eyes and jet packs]
…I love to help animals.
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Show me in the employee handbook where it says I can’t make weird noises in my cubicle
I’m literally crying
*PLOT TWIST*
Breaking Bad last ep.
Walt takes off the mask to reveal he was Dwayne JohnsonThe world finally knows what the Rock was cookin
What they say: “Wow, you’re really photogenic.”
What they mean: “Wow, this looks nothing like how ugly you actually are.”
*experiences all five stages of grief while the waiter walks by my table with what I thought was my dinner*
[watching any cowboy movie ever] i should buy a horse
{Apocalypse}
ME (To War, Famine, Pestilence and Death): Can I pet your horsies?
My kids can be difficult sometimes, but my mom always assures me that I deserve it.
Me: Why can’t we feed the animals?
Wife: They’ll get lazy and dependent and never, ever go away.
Me: *looks warily at our kids*
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
flight attendant: would you like two peanuts
me: please
fa: thimble of soda
me: ok
fa: move your seat back 1/8″
me: oh gosh no, I don’t deserve to travel in this much luxury
All I’m saying is if you really want someone to dance with you, you probably shouldn’t tell them to shut up.
[my attorney after our first day in court] leave the Chewbacca mask at home tomorrow
I am scared of asking people how old I look cause the idiots might guess correctly.
*window shutter falls off my house* we’re gonna need more command strips.
Manslaughter. The sound of a man laughing?
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
Officer, why do you say “full body cavity search” like it’s a bad thing?
Job Counselor: now that you’ve flunked dental school, what’s your plan?
Tooth Fairy: *shrugs* idk, buy em I guess
I was laid off by Twitter today. I’m an algorithmicist and psychological operations specialist looking to possibly transition into nation-state level disinformation broadcasting roles. Please DM me if you have any leads!
When kids try to guess your age it will either be completely flattering or utterly devastating, but never correct.
“It’s been a bit of a day”
Meaning: Anything from “the printer stopped working” to “an asteroid hit the planet and eradicated 90% of living things”
[approaches parent with child on a leash]
“Mind if I pet your dog?”
Hey that’s my son!
“Oh my bad. Mind if I pet your son?”
Revenge is sweet I whisper to myself as I use the guest towels.
Meeting with a realtor to sell my moms house:
Realtor: What’s best about this area?
Mom: My sisters are close by.
Realtor: I meant, why would someone want to live here?
Mom: It’s better than being homeless.
Realtor:
Mom: And my sisters are really nice.
My 5yo would like to wish you all a Happy Balance Time Day
The Geek Squad needs a service where a plain-clothed tech will go fix my mom’s computer and claim to be a friend of mine so she doesn’t know I paid someone so I wouldn’t have to do it.
I just heard the phrase “murdered to death” and wondered if there’s any other option
If we’re talking & I start running my nails up & down your arm, I either really like you, or I’m looking for an artery close to the surface.
When they announce
“all youths stay behind after church. Your Help is needed around the church premises”Me: