In the event of a bear attack, the best thing to do is play dead. You’ll still die. But at least you get to play with a bear.
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I had 3 crackers, a ketchup packet, and a yogurt that said “Liz’s. Don’t Touch!” for lunch in case anyone wondered if tomorrow is payday.
Gin and tonic is weird, sometimes I need a lime wedge and sometimes I need to tell everyone what’s on my mind and then pass out.
Straight women in lesbian bars think everyone wants them when we’re really just staring because we can’t figure out whose ex you are.
me: so hear me out, the musical cats but it’s frogs
boss: you remember getting fired yesterday right
The word résumé has fireworks coming out of it to help with the pronunciation yet we’re left to fend for ourselves with colonel?
If someone is whistling they:
1. Just killed someone
2. Are on their way to kill someone
3. Are plotting to kill someone
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
[scrolling netflix]
Me: definitely not a movie, that’s too much time
Also me: *watches 5 episodes of Better Call Saul*
i’m not paying off my credit cards anymore if they wanted that money back they shouldn’t have gave it to me
I don’t know when the apocalypse will happen.
All I know for sure is my son will still have 4th grade math homework due the next day.
With one taste of my signature black velvet cake you discover that it’s a regular red velvet cake that I left in the oven too long.
I hate it when people go round quoting the bible. I haven’t even read it yet, but somehow folks think it’s cool to give key plot points away
Boss: “I want it on my desk by 9 on Monday”
Me: “Say no more”
[Monday]
Boss: “Where’s my report?”
Me: “Shhh”
My 4yo has been asking for no syrup on her pancakes. I thought it was really weird because she loves syrup, but today I saw her put a warm pancake on her face which explains the no syrup, and also probably why her face is so soft.
The thin membrane under the shell of a boiled egg is what’s left of the rooster’s broken condom, and that was my Dad’s sex talk. I’ll always remember that Easter.
I prefer science to religion, as the former doesn’t seem to grow vengeful and jealous when refused attention.
Why would I want to talk to your baby? On the phone. It’s a baby. If I wanted to hear random noises when I talk, I have a husband for that.
Church: time to come back
Me with 3 small boys: Well, OK
Church: not you
crazy how anything you buy with a credit card you just get to have for free
Police Sketch Artist: We need to get his face out there ASAP. I’m going to need you to describe him to me.
Me: He looked like the type of person who wouldn’t be ashamed to ride a tricycle in public.
Police Sketch Artist: *pencil poised* Um…
Me: That’s all I got my man.
why are you, as a wallet company, giving away a $500 gift card? what am i gonna do? buy $500 worth of wallets?
Hi, I’m Geoff, and this is my wife Glorrhoea.
god: *inventing horse* this is pretty fast
angel: and so wild
god: only a lunatic would ride one
angel: are you—
god: —ima make a lunatic
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Life hack: shave your head so you can sleep at your desk without messing up your hair.
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
I don’t delete my bad tweets because why should I suffer alone.