Son: Dad, you work so hard and never get any credit. You’re like a superhero!
Dad: Nice try. You’re still not getting the Internet password.
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[kung fu fight]
“Your tiger claw is no match for my crane.”
*starts lifting heavy building materials*
7: Mom! Will you play Uno with me?? I already have it set up and I definitely didn’t look at the cards before!
Me: Well I’m convinced.
My first subtweet was in the 3rd grade when I added extra glitter to Nathan’s Valentine.
If you start a conversation with “you’re gonna say I’m crazy” there’s nothing I can do but to congratulate you on your clairvoyance.
He may not be a 10 but he covers his food when he puts it in the microwave
Me: *wolf whistles*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
“i wouldnt be caught dead” someone throws a net over my dead corpse “gotcha!!” “noooo”
I like my women how I like my straws ….
Bendy and full of liquor.
Pigeons always look like they’re jamming out to an invisible iPod.
We all suspected Tide Pods were a gateway detergent. Sure, they seem innocent, but the next thing you know, you’re mainlining Lysol.
I’m not an introvert; I’m just a very inept extrovert.
Can’t…too busy yelling at all the other drivers on the road. “Why do you have a license!!!!”
friend: how long have you had that bourbon?
me: 20 years.
friend: why don’t you just drink it?
me: drinking age is 21 dude.
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
That moment when your ID badge doesn’t work & you wonder:
Did I get fired?
Can I go back to bed now?
Will my 401k sustain my food addiction?
I don’t ask for much but can someone please take away the share function on Wordle?
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
People always ask me if my problem kid is the middle child but my husband is the oldest.
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
“Doctor, I’m afraid of people yelling letters of the alphabet at me.”
THERAPIST: Oh! You are? WHY???
Me: why is there a graham cracker in my makeup bag?
4: oh, it’s probably mine.
Me: probably?
If you don’t fold the laundry, it won’t get folded. I know because I run this experiment weekly
God: when they’re stressed their hair will start to fall out
Angel: nice, like the unsightly body hairs they hate?
God: lol no no no, the hair on their head
Angel: [under breath] i miss satan
there are smart kids. Then there are my kids heating popsicles up in the microwave.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
The wifi going down on me is the most action I’m going to get tonight.
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
[with my final breath] Tell my wife that I loved..the economy
No one should be surprised that so many tweets are about unhappiness and failure. You don’t end up on Twitter by making good life decisions.