cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
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The day we decided such footwear would be called “flip-flops” was not our most creative moment.
I feel seen.
Just donated blood. I hope whoever gets it likes wine.
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
ME: This is my newborn, straight from the hospital.
OTHER PARENT: You’re parenting wrong.
What psycho decided it was a good idea for kids to hunt for chocolate easter eggs right when the spring thaw reveals all the dog poop?
My girlfriend started complaining about my lack of interest in her family. So I dated her sister..
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
Sermons in 10 minutes or less or you go to Heaven for FREE!!
So many accidents occur in the home. I once turned a dimmer switch too fast and got beamed into another dimension
Ate at w pho restaurant and based on my waitress’ facial reaction I’m not sure if I asked for a fork or killed her entire family
I have no idea where they learned to talk like that.
– the parent who taught them to talk like that
These e-cigarettes keep getting bigger and bigger. I swear I just saw someone smoking a clarinet.
upon my death:
1. tell my kids I loved them
2. give my daughter my jewelry
3. leave french fries in my coffin, just in case
I’m like a potato because I’m:
-not special, but I’m usually likeable
-full of carbs
-not always good for you
-really white under this outer layer
-round
-smashable
-more interesting when I’m salty
-tasty if slathered in butter
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
“you are one of the four horsemen of cringe” – my 12yo
Michael Phelps just won another gold medal for taking the quickest bath.
Her: Remind me if I’m ever on life support, not to have you in charge of pulling the plug.
Me: Yea, like I could get in front of that line.
The company hates when I helicopter into work.
It’s always, “zip up your pants and go see HR now!”
Jumps into shower
Shower : I have a boyfriend
You call it the Friend Zone. I call it Palcatraz.
boss: [asks me to do something]
me: [wonders how beyonce would do it]
boss: STOP WONDERING ABOUT HOW BEYONCE WOULD DO IT
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
“I Knew You Were Trouble When You Walked In” is my favorite Taylor Swift song about a racist shop owner.
[Me getting cut off in traffic]
GET OFF YOUR PHONE AND WATCH WHERE YOU’RE GOING!
[Notices USMC sticker]
AND THANK YOU FOR YOUR SERVICE!
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
I don’t want the baby mountain goat to die but I don’t want the snow leopard to starve. Why do we even watch these nature shows?
Cavemen were like ‘kill two pterodactyls with one pstone’