The minute you start feeling good about your parenting Stacy from Facebook posts about her son winning the Nobel Peace Prize.
You Might Also Like
Being with you is like listening to golf on the radio.
Doesn’t count, officer, you forgot to read me my amanda rights!
“Your what?”
You know, my… [mumbles] banana rights.
My kids and I play this fun game where I wake up early to enjoy a coffee alone and they wake up earlier to make sure that I don’t
That f****** terrifying moment when you open your phone with a wet thumb and it starts automatically calling everyone on your contact list.
I’ve lost my voice, and I’ve gotta say, everyone at work seems pretty damn happy about it
Worm: These early birds are decimating our population.
Other worm: I’ve developed some tech that’ll impede their early rising abilities.
Worm: What is it?
Other worm: I call it “a YouTube rabbit hole”
Ate half my sandwich prolly save the other half for later
No one running the NFL Insta account saw a problem here
I had beer at lunchtime and now I think I might be sitting in the wrong office
a midwest state really had a “husband calling” competition
For sale: Shrimpless rice. Never fried.
friend: vending machines kill more people per year than sharks
me, swimming in the ocean and a vending machine is coming right at me: oh no
Noah’s flood = God clearing his browser history
*filling out preschool form*
1st child: She knows all of the letters and numbers.
2nd child: He knows all of the colors.
3rd child: She knows all of the swear words.
Me, at the arby’s drive-thru: i didn’t hear you, can you repeat that?
arby’s cashier: {yelling} can you turn your police siren off?!
You don’t need to have a falcon to wear a falconry glove. People will just assume the falcon is out.
I hunt* my own food.
*run down the street after the ice cream truck
Granny moaning “godfuckingdammit” as she vomits Red Lobster scampi. @RedLobster: What’s your favorite seaside memory with your grandparents?
But weight, there’s more!
– Thanksgiving
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
[zoo]
GUIDE: i told you not to feed the monkeys
ME: it’s a cigar
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
[crime scene]
*detective snaps pics of murder victim*
Corpse: delete it
my wife: we have to wear what we died in for eternity!?
st. peter: that’s right
me: [from the back end of our horse costume] what’d he say
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
If I say goodnight and an hour later you see me online it’s not that I lied it’s just that I failed.
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
I get there is a rental crisis and all but…nope.
*Sends carrier pigeon back*
“I have a suitor.”