Can a paleontologist explain to me why dimetrodons were so infatuated w/ yelling at the ocean?
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No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
Comments like this are why we can’t have nice things
Just once I wish the McDonald’s drive-thru would say “I love you too.”
There should be a “shame” setting on showerheads.
The best way to run into that hot person you’ve been dying to talk to is to leave the house looking the worst you possibly can.
Son: have you checked the chicken? Is it ok?
Me:*opens oven door* you ok in there? Not too hot for you is it?
going on an overnight trip, better pack 7 shirts and 9 pairs of underwear for some reason
Her : I like you
Me : You’re mistaken
just walked out of the grocery store and realized i parked like shit. an absolute garbage approach. i’m so embarrassed. i can’t be seen getting into this car. i’m running away. new life. just the clothes on my back and this cantaloupe
Homeless guy at the car wash just said I have beautiful eyes….So don’t play wit me
A protected acct with 0 followers just followed me. Mom, is that you?
Kid: *spills cereal all over the floor*
My husband: Can you grab the vacuum cleaner?
Me: Sure *whistles for the dog*
Words can hurt. Especially when someone throws a big book at your head.
When people say they want to give a voice to the voiceless I say like a ventriloquist?
I just saw a post on a group in Facebook where someone was looking for a stud finder. No one commented anything funny. What the hell is wrong with people?
Her: How’s your drink?
Me: It’s ok. I can’t taste the alcohol though
Her:That’s cause we’re at the gym and its a protein shake
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
craving $300 all of a sudden
me: *rubs lamp*
genie: I will grant you three wishes
me: can you go away I’m rubbing this lamp
Two seats open.
One next to a good looking girl who noticed me as I walked in.
The other by a wall outlet.She’ll find love in another man.
Raggedy Andy knew he was becoming a man when he noticed yarn where there wasn’t yarn before.
Can’t believe how divided we’ve become over an election. It’s not like it’s the color of a dress or something.
I no longer need Google.
I have a 22 year old in college.
What makes you think I’m trying to poison you? Here, I made you this coffee. Its to die for. I mean its yummy!
I enjoy quaint, old-fashioned customs like being nice to people.
I don’t have a swear jar anymore, I have a swear barrel
Fantasy football is just Dungeons and Dragons for the people who used to beat up the people who played Dungeons and Dragons.
Day 22 of quarantine and I’ve turned my living room into a nudist colony. The kids hate it but I’ve finally obtained some privacy
I just got an email from twitter saying they miss me
Ya I miss me too
Twitter account is my serious account.
The funny one is my bank account.