My kitchen drawer was stuck but my husband got it open. I guess all it needed was a big jerk.
You Might Also Like
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
[6 AM]
Child: [crying]
Me: WHAT’S WRONG?
Child: My stomach hurts so badly.
Me: Okay you can stay home.[morning bus drives by]
Child: What’s for breakfast?
Just once I’d like someone to call me “ma’am” without having to add “you need to calm down or we’re going to have to ask you to leave”
Me: I wish I was the most beautiful person in the world.
Genie: done
Me: *looking in mirror* But I still look the same…
Genie: Just wait until you see everybody else.
*Beethoven & orchestra take stage*
HECKLER: (chanting) Ode to Joy! Ode to Joy!
Beethoven: –we’re gonna play some new stuff
HECKLER: boooo
Raisins are grape jerky.
I’m 34 years old and I still don’t know what to do when the barber shows me the back of my head with that little mirror.
going to rock bottom do you guys need anything
person: wanna be friends and get to know each other at a normal pace?
me: wanna write a movie together toDAY???
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
[My funeral]
Boss: *Solemnly placing his hand on my casket and sobbing* how could you do this to me after I told you you’re essential
Don’t mistake my kindness, or my inability to do one (1) pull-up, for weakness.
Ladies, the word for the day is “legs.” Spread the word.
It has been scientifically proven that any woman can be satisfied with only 3 1/2 inches — and it doesn’t matter if it is Visa or MasterCard
In High School I was pretty popular with all the boys.
I was known as “Hey, will you ask your friend if she likes me?”
It’s never going to work out between Mario and the Princess. Most of the time she’s on a whole other level.
People are all wanting a Morgan Freeman voiceover on their GPS. And I’m over here wanting Donald Duck.
Netflix: if you like Murder & Standup
Art by Pastelkatto
new tattoo]
them: cool! what is it?
me: it’s an abstract depiction of beauty; the juxtaposition of the lyrical and the grotesque[after 50 people had asked]
them: what is it?
me: it’s a squirrel
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
White girl: “You’re [ethnicity] but not [ethnicity-ethnicity]. Like, you’ll [mild steretype] but you don’t [severely racist stereotype]
pat pat
Nobody:
Absolutely nobody:
Me: If I was The Invisible Man, my pronouns would be who/where
Me: *squirting air bubbles into the sea monkey tank
7: I didn’t know those things were still alive.
M: That’s why you don’t have a dog.
Imagine a world without pizza.
No, no, stop crying this was just pretend I’M SORRY TRY AND CONTROL YOURSELF I’M SORRY
A cute bank teller told me he wanted to make love to me in the vault. He’s kinky, but at least he’s into safe sex.