My washing machine is broken and the laundry is piled so much now, I’ve started to wear old Halloween costumes
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[at roller rink]
My fanny pack is filled with marbles in case I need to create a diversion.
A Quiet Place (Family, 2018): heartwarming tale of parents who keep their kids quiet with the help of a murderous monster
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
me: sorry this place is such a mess
her: it’s my house
“caramelized” is just a word chefs use if they burn things
caramelized onion
caramelized apple
caramelized todd from HR who tried to diss me
I’m at the age where I am about to make a dentist a lot of money.
Twitter announced today that they’ve lost 134 million dollars this year. I don’t know if they want us to look for it or what the deal is.
Possibly the finest painting I’ve ever done. My wife says it’s a mantlepiece!
My mom just replied to my text with “K.” Whooooaaa busy lady, is there some emergency over on FarmVille?
My Cinderella story is backward.
I started out a princess.
Got drunk and lost a shoe when I
met a handsome guy.Now I scrub the floors.
Mcdonalds showing people doing yoga in their commercials is like George Bush having a library named after him.
[stands on other side of glass door & ruffles hair as everyone watches, then enters office]
Me: sorry I’m late, I hate this place & everyone here
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Cats be like I could kill you in your sleep and take over the world but I’m also hungry so can you feed me right meow
If you add me to a group chat for your MLM without asking, don’t complain when I flood it with photos of Sasquatch and Mothman you didn’t ask for, Brenda.
I wish I had the confidence of my 10 yr old who told me I was “driving all wrong” seconds after she asked for help getting gum out of her hair
oh you hate me? name all of my flaws
Any bar can be a dive-bar if you wear a snorkel
GOOD COP: I’m going to read you your rights
BAD COP: I’m going to beat a confession out of you
CENTRIST COP: you both make some good points
Soft pretzels come one of two ways:
– no salt
– enough salt for ten miles of roadway before a snowstorm
The IRS just called me so I wired $5000 to their office in Pakistan just like they said so I hope that solves everything
Maybe I did use cilantro because I knew you hate it, but good luck proving that.
I keep seeing studies finding fecal matter on things. Anyone considered that perhaps it’s the scientists that aren’t washing their hands?
Thank god 4 the guy at the bar yelling “YOU GOTTA CATCH THAT!!!” when a receiver drops the ball. Had no idea he was supposed to catch it.
MTV is shutting down, which really doesn’t affect me much now, but my teenage self is completely devastated.
I gave my baby a teething toy so she would stop chewing on my fingers.
She wasn’t interested because it didn’t scream out in pain.
I just saw my dad screenshot all by himself,they grow up so fast
(unless you have a dachshund puppy) it’s important to leave the house sometimes (because it’s the only way you’ll see a dachshund puppy)
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.