I’m fckn weak!!!!!! 💀
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No matter which door you go in at the Home Depot, you’ll always exit the farthest one from your car.
I forgot the word confetti so I just said jazz hands graffiti
*gets so drunk I grab a fish out of your fish tank and shakes it at you screaming “WHAT KIND OF DOG IS THIS?!” *
Kid: Will you be mad if I said the “s” word?
Me: Do you mean “shit?”
Kid: Yeah, that one.
Me: Depends how you said it.
Kid: Well, I accidentally told our dog to “shit” instead of “sit.”
Me: (chuckles) No baby, I’m not mad.
Kid: Well, I did it 7 times.
“Follow your dreams!” – someone born into money
Poor Charles. Imagine being 73 years old and getting your first job.
A guy on the street just said “nice feet” to me can someone tell me seriously if that was a cat call?
Not to brag but my family won’t have to argue about all the money I won’t be leaving them when I die.
Between toilet paper and forest fires, bears have a lot of responsibilities.
I’m boring. I just trick people into thinking I’m interesting by always being angry.
Idk guys, life has never thrown me lemons.
Social anxiety, insomnia, mental breakdowns, drugs and eating disorders..
But never lemons.
My loaf of bread looks terrified
I just like to keep my options open
-me, setting six alarms on my phone
I’m as full as a tick on a tampon
Wife: you’ve been a naughty boy *peels off clothes* You need to be punished
Me: yes, I do!
Wife: do the laundry
Wife: Can you put the gps on mute, turn off the air conditioner and the music
Also my wife: why are you grumpy on this long drive
This food was amazing! Give my compliments to the chef
*waiter peeks head into kitchen*
“You’re beautiful Gary”
*Gary starts blushing*
my mom texts me money bag emojis when i forget to pay her just like the mob.
Everything sounds good when you’re not listening.
This strip mall certainly is misleading
And I probably should put my clothes back on now.
Husband: Let’s try to spend a little less money this Christmas, ok?
Me: *dog sleeping in a custom manger. Ok.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
*Middle of dinner*
My kid: Can I have a snack?
“What an ugly baby,” I said, much more audibly than intended.
I write fake chores on my to-do list just to scribble them out, then my husband thinks I do more.
[hit & run crime scene]
me: judging from the treads, it looks like the perp deliberately swerved into the viccop: sir, you can keep referring to yourself in the 3rd person but we have you on tape leaving the scene AND returning
me: criminals, when will they ever learn amirite?
Survivor 1: “Help! I can’t swim! I’m drowning!” Survivor 2: “I have a buoy, friend.”
I don’t understand why people get embarrassed buying condoms. It’s much more awkward trying to return them. “She didn’t like me.”