Not many people know this but if you just start crying, the customer service rep will just do what you asked
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an artist’s interpretation of the moment I realized there was no cat food in the cupboard
Returning my uneaten fries to McDonald’s for store credit
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
Why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the power puff girls did in 11 minutes
Him: I got 99 problems but you ain’t one.
Her: Just wait.
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
“Was he better than me?”
“Joe, don’t.”
“I have a right to know!”
“No, he wasn’t better than you.”
[god appears]
“Mary, what the hell?”
[last night]
*gets drunk*
*can’t remember if I fed the dog*
*ends up feeding her 5 times*[tonight]
*comes home*
dog *hands me a beer*
The “bangles to politicians” insult says “come be weak like women because the weak wear bangles”. No thanks, “self-proclaimed real men”.
So hopping on a bandwagon is bad but falling off the wagon is also bad. Which is it society? Where is the acceptable orientation relative to a wagon?
what if when Dracula’s fangs came out they made that truck backing up noise
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
oh to be a cat surrounded by potatoes taking a nap using a carrot as a pillow
I like to put a banana in each pocket just to confuse people.
“YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF!”
I scream at my bladder in the middle of the night
Boss set out a bowl of hard candy in the break room, so I guess we had our Christmas party today.
A good lawyer knows the law. A great lawyer knows the Judge.
me: hey dad will you pass the turkey
dad: *pats belly* I sure hope so son
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Never have I ever… rushed out of my house pretending I had to be somewhere & drove around neighborhood to get somebody to leave.
There is a dude in a fedora sitting next to you on the bus. Is he:
A. a ghost hunter
B. a virgin
C. a sword collector
D. all of the above
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
best review i’ve ever seen
Went on a trampoline with my 1 year old and learned that if you jump JUST right it unfortunately turns into a baby catapult.
Obi Wan: You will never find a more wretched hive of scum and villainy.
Luke: Obviously you haven’t been to Black Friday at Walmart.
Counted five pregnant women at this Noah matinee. Praying their water doesn’t break.
[After leaving Willy Wonka’s factory]
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE:
ME:
WIFE: Lot of deaths for a to—
ME: A LOT of deaths for a tour!
Personal Trainer: What do you want to work on today?
Me: To stop getting the name of the exercises wrong
Personal Trainer: Anything else?
Me: plonks, plunges, and squaps
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years