do you guys have PC & cheese? i’m not really a mac guy
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Me: I’m a haredresser
Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?
Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?
do i think every one of the theories about kate middleton are batshit insane and the people who thought of them need to be examined? yes
have i absorbed every single one of them like a thirsty worm in the desert? absolutely
Sorry, can’t. I took my bra off and threw it across the room an hour ago. There’s no coming back from that.
So I met this hooker who said she’d do anything for ten bucks .
Guess who got his yard cut?
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Co-worker playfully snapped my suspenders and now everyone in the office knows my safe word.
I don’t think Harambe would have wanted this
Please, you are bringing shame to your ancient weasel ancestors.
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
A number of people involved in the violence at the U.S. Capitol on January 6 are still at large. Help the #FBI apprehend them. If you recognize this individual, submit a tip to When you leave a tip, reference photo 223.
Yesterday, I told my son about the Tooth Fairy. Today, I find 33 teeth under his pillow. Clearly they are not his. I am very, very afraid.
“You’re only as old as you feel.”
Me, feeling 300 yrs old: Yes, thank you. So inspiring.
Whenever I see a lone shoe on the road I figure someone’s foot has been raptured
My son: little pig, little pig, let me in!
Me: Ok first of all, rude because, yes, I have been eating more lately, no need to get personal son
My son: say your line mummy!
Me: not by the hair of my ch- OK I’M NOT PLAYING ANYMORE
I want to go to bed without cleaning the kitchen but I don’t want my mother to wake up in a panic 300 miles away.
There are many different theories about why humans even need to sleep but I’m pretty sure it’s to charge our phones.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
Daughter found the wrinkle cream and when I told her what it was for she said, “Daddy, you should use that when you grow up” so I guess my point here is maybe 4 isn’t too young for a pony.
If history repeats itself, I’m getting a pet dinosaur
These aliens are taking forever.
This flower shop also sells shirts at the front counter but the display is so large that you can’t see the florist for the T’s.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
The secret to having all of your dreams come true is to keep changing your dreams to something that’s just about to happen anyway.
My children wanted to play airplane rides and are very upset because I told them my flight is fully booked
75% of parenting is taking their keys to punish them
And giving them back because they’re driving you crazy
my roofing company has gone bankrupt. I kept saying “this one’s on the house” every time I finished a roof, how could i be so stupid
Never tell someone that it would work out if “only they lived closer”. Crazy can change zip codes faster than you can change your identity.
dentist: open up
me: it all started 20 years ago when my dad-
dentist: i meant your mouth
hygienist: wait let him finish Glen