Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
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the concept of sister cities was developed so that towns could borrow each other’s dresses
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
GF: “Can I be frank?”
Me: “Sure, but I’d be more comfortable if you were a woman.”
[first date]
HER: It looks like you work out
ME: *adjusting the tissues in my sleeves* Oh yeah, big time worker outer
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
me: hey, you wanna get outta here?
museum guide: lady, i already told you they don’t come alive at night. please get away from the david statue
Wife: Today seemed to go much smoother with you and the kids at home. I wonder why?
Me: I think it’s called Stockholm Syndrome.
I’ll be signing books at the library tomorrow from 2-4pm (or until that librarian calls the cops again). Come on out!
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
Boycott kissing men at midnight. It’s New Year’s Eve not New Years Steve.
Ghosting my landlord by hiding in the walls and haunting the property when he tries to have someone else move in
Sexy singles are waiting to talk to u. They don’t sleep. They wait. Forever waiting. Will u free them from this sexy prison? Call now
The chemical symbol for Seahorse is H₂Orse.
Nobody loves a thunderstorm more than a teenager who promised to mow the lawn today.
So it turns out that you can’t use Cool Whip as shaving cream, apparently.
Narrator: Ursula needed 3 stitches in an undisclosed location.
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Stop wasting ur 20s complaining about how it’s hard to make friends and start screaming “oh my god I love your bag” from across the street
People need to quit hating on women that breastfeed in public. I’m allowed to raise my cat however I want.
Super irresponsible to host a murder mystery party when real murders go unsolved
Of course bears shit in the woods, they do most of their stuff in the woods, very few bears own a house.
I put the tomatos and the ketchup right next to each other in my refrigerator just so all the food knows I have no mercy
Good luck sending me mixed signals. Most the time I can’t even understand the direct ones.
Toddler: I have a cute fat belly, you have a fat belly
Me:
Me: Do you have this in my size? I’m a medium.
Shop assistant: Oh, well you tell me then.
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
me: what do we say if a stranger tries to give us candy?
5:
me:
5: we say thank you
[long ago]
A: Ok, so let’s mush a tree to pulp and then make flat thingies out of it.
B: Great idea. Write that down.
A: Where?
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.