“How many volunteers do we have for my evil army?”
384 my liege
“Ok, round them up”
400 my liege
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Teacher: “What is your favorite musical instrument?”
Me: “The lunch bell.”
Making spaghetti for dinner tonight, so I’ll only have enough for about 37 of you guys if you decide to come over… make your reservations quickly
Me watching Luther: Oh you beautiful broken violent man, I would love you through it all.
Me on a date: Eyebrows don’t match, I’m out.
just had a salad but it didn’t make me laugh like women in stock photos
You can just put your own drawings up on the fridge. Nobody assumes an adult drew it so they’re always super impressed.
The darkness in me is making me sneeze.
Every time you go away, you take a piece of me with you.
“Awww…. you’re so sweet”.
No seriously, first my hoodie disappears, then my phone charger vanishes, and now my AirPods have vaporized.
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Is Mark short for something like Markathon?
WRITER: It’s a kids movie about a woman trying to kill & skin a puppy.
PRODUCER: That’s horrific!
W: What if it was 101 puppies?
P:…Go on
You guys Gorilla Glue is not hair care it is lip balm. Spread the word
On our weekly family Zoom, my stepmom always says how pretty I am.
Today I replied, “I’m more than a pretty face.”
STEPMOM: “Are you sure?”
ME: “I have an elbow. Look.”
SM: “That’s nothing to brag about.”
ME: “It bends and everything.”
SM: “I’ve seen better.”
*good cop/bad cop interrogation*
*good cop is nice to the suspect*
*bad cop shoots good cop and sets suspect free*
man he’s a bad cop
me:[opens mouth, a bunch of nickels fall out]
date:
me:to answer ur question i was “being quiet” so the nickels wouldnt fall out of my mouth
I wish it was socially acceptable to push someone back through a door if they don’t say thank you when you hold it for them.
ME: i’ve got two problems – i’m sick with covid, and i can’t tell the difference between the words “dying” and “doing”
DOCTOR: these tests say you’re doing incredibly well
ME: thanks tell my wife I love her
[first day working for IKEA]
Customer: one nightstand please
Me: sorry, I’m married
There’s no way that Cinderella was treated like shit her entire life, then a prince tells her he loves her & she wasn’t like “yeah right.”
You’ve got some really nice shoulders. Can I put my arms around them?
Spent way too much time walking around the house trying to track down an odd noise that turned out to be a whistle in my nose.
The hurt I feel when someone leaves the bus seat next to mine for a newly empty one is almost exactly equal to my annoyance when they don’t.
Forgot my phone and had to write my tweets on paper and pass ’em around at the meeting.
Didn’t get any stars.
Got RT’d to HR.
If your kid is having nightmares & keeps getting in bed with you in the night, a great solution is to go to sleep in full clown makeup.
“I literally can’t even!”
— White girl hanging a picture
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
13: I found a baggie of pot.
M: *takes it* Thank you, bringing it to an adult was the right thing to do. Now go outside and play for 3 hrs.
my feed is like:
ANIMAL CROSSING
eat the billionaires
we are all doomed
ANIMAL CROSSING
gummy bears singing ‘Someone Like You’
ANIMAL CROSSING
we are gonna die
ANIMAL CROSSING
*sharpening guillotines*
ANIMAL CROSSING
ANIMAL CROSSING
SOCIALISM NOW
ANIMAL CROSSING
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.