We chose to adopt a highway.
[clutches my wife’s hand]
We couldn’t make a highway of our own, you see.
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If you can’t be fun to be around then please be a drug dealer
9 million cops in this city but only this police roomba is truly capable of cleaning up the streets.
“Failure is how you grow.”
– my bathroom scale, picking the wrong motivational quote
[things I worry about on vacation]
1) Getting eaten by a shark
2) Worrying that I didn’t get eaten by a shark because it assumed I tasted funny
How long can you let the bidet run before it switches from business to pleasure?
A microwave with three only buttons.
1. Hot Pocket
2. Pizza Rolls
3. 4 Hot Pockets and 60 Pizza Rolls
“Baby last night you were so hot, let’s do it all over again this morning.”
-me, speaking to this leftover pizza.
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
I have an extreme shellfish allergy so I always keep a single fried shrimp in my wallet in case I need to use it as a cyanide pill
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
*Puts on muscle shirt*
*Looks in mirror*
Maybe it takes a few minutes to kick in.
I’m Lactose Intolerant, which means I rarely find missing children.
I grounded my kid from electronics for a week and now he won’t stop talking to me and I think I’ve made a horrible mistake.
me: your honor, the defense rests.
judge: well they picked a pretty stupid time to take a nap i mean they’re on trial for murder.
Me: “If I need another drink, do you prefer if I rattle my glass or snap my fingers?”
Her:
For $60, this printer ink had better be hand squeezed out of endangered squids.
The Eighth Law of Libraries: the likelihood of an item being on the shelf where it belongs is inversely proportional to the physical distance the patron traveled to come get it without calling ahead first.
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
ME: where’s your brother?
OLDEST CHILD: where’s another roll of duct tape?
ME: *sprints to the basement*
Husband: *texting me* Any chance we can skip that dinner party tonight?
Me: *already in my pajamas* If that’s what you really want.
Mystery novels gave me unrealistic expectations of how often murders would be committed by butlers
Me: OMG, I haven’t seen you in so long!
Her: We’ve never met.
Me: That long huh?
If your girlfriend says “my pyramid is late…”
Know two things:
1. Your hearing is poor
2. That’s not your biggest problem right now
My toddler kept asking for uncle hall and I’m like dude we don’t have an uncle hall in our family. Turns out he was asking for ALCOHOL so I was all dude you’re just 3yo so would you rather beer or wine?
Friend: Are you in any fantasy sports leagues
Me: I wish *imagining Legolas dunking*
[Tracking an animal]
Me: *tastes the soil* Just as I thought. Dirt.
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
accurate
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
The one nice thing about your friends’ divorces is no one invites you to them.