“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
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HER: You almost ready to go to my mothers?
ME: *looking out window wondering if the jump will only break a leg & not kill me* Be right down.
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Two things you need to know about me:
1. I am hung over.
2. Sometimes I say the word over for no reason.
It’s “Bring Your Kids To Work Day” and all my cats are fighting in the break room.
Them: Do your best you can’t hurt me anymore.
Social media apps: Hold my beer🍺.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Can Happiness buy money?
He just told me that the dishwasher is broke.
I wish he would:
1. Stop rubbing it in
And
2. Stop calling me that.
Lord, give me the confidence and attitude of my toddler at dance class. Amen
video game drill sergeant: alright you worthless puke! try using your WASD keys to walk around the room!
me: [walks around the room]
video game drill sergeant: that is out-standing! you’re one of the finest soldiers ive ever laid my eyes on!
Caregiver and caretaker mean the same thing?
That’s bullshit.
Important question of the day:
Are centaurs technically insects?
They’ve got a sort of segmented body and have six limbs so…
Burglar: *breaks into my house*
Wife: Quick honey, grab something!
Me: lol why have you brought your wife with you
Burglar: Shut up, she gives good advice
“I’ll drink to that.”
-me to my next drink
sex is great & all.. but have you ever successfully poured liquid from one cup into another WITHOUT spilling it?
This is true.
I don’t worry about my ex husband stealing my identity because he never even remembered my birthday
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
To all those telling me this account is a sin – Don’t worry about it, I plan on forgiving myself later
Yoga bends.
Yoga stretches.
Yoga realizes is out of shape.
Yoga pants.
My grocery list.
1. Don’t run into anyone you know.
2. Eggs
[gently waking my Mom] I think I left my feather earring at bingo last night
😂🤣😂🤣😂🤣
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
Me: I like a full bodied wine.
Date: I’m not that knowledgeable about wine.
Me: It’s like, when the grapes were really thicc.
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
Airport moving sidewalks are great for when you only want to feel like George Jetson for 10 seconds before you’re back to Fred Flintstone.
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
I always smile really big at people in public. Tends to freak them out, out cause I’m not good at putting on lipstick.
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.