Top Four Signs of Job Security:
4. Promotions and raises
3. Specialized skills
2. Top producer
1. Compromising photos of the boss
You Might Also Like
look at me when i’m typing to you
[Office]
Secretary: Mr. Grey will see you now.
Anastasia Steele: I have a ridiculous name.
Communing with the fog in the woods, anyone need anything?
i’m so bad at rock-paper-scissors, last time i accidently joined a street gang.
My calendar says there’s a new moon tomorrow. The old one was there for 4.5 billion years; you’d think people would be more excited.
this one time I saw a vegas hypnotist who told the audience he was going to turn me into a sad, depressed loser who makes dumb jokes on a dying website for zero money & I was like give it ur best shot, Mezmo the Great
I refuse to go to a blood bank. I’m not taking your blood money.
Just turned a corner and bumped into a woman with drawn-on eyebrows.
I’m not sure which of us was more surprised.
*Werewolves spot a group of teens smoking pot around a campfire*
Werewolf 1: Edibles!
My 6 yr old lost a tooth and then finger quoted “tooth fairy” so I just handed him $5 and told him to do whatever he wanted with the tooth
Your child learning to say mommy is when your life begins and ends
Optimus Regular will save us in 3-5 days and he’s a lot cheaper, i’m fine with that
NYC’s response to historic flooding will be adding kayak lanes to all city streets.
i did the math and a second job would help me get out of debt as long as i start it twelve years ago
okay since everyone else is doing it I’m gonna drop all my favorite saved tweets from my “shit that makes me laugh” folder, starting with a classic
Make sure you lock your car doors so no one steals your half empty water bottles.
I was helping my son with his homework and I told him that the language attorneys use with all that legal jargon was called ‘Courtugese’ and now I have another meeting with his teacher.
[first date]
Date: how much do you drink a week?
Me: Haha, I don’t even answer that at my check up.
Date: right.. Let’s do shots.
Me: i love shots.
Date, pulling off glasses to reveal my Doctor: gotcha
[Restaurant]
Waiter: “Can I box any of this food for you?”
Me: “You can uppercut this piece of chicken.”
“who hurt you” myself bro, I make horrible decisions
Guys love it when you rest your head on their shoulder at the movie theatre.
Their girlfriends however… not so much.
I’m not buying it that each village only had one idiot
Entered what I ate today into my new fitness app and it just sent an ambulance to my house.
I hate when I wake up hungry and stay that way for 32 years
ME: my wife eats all the caramel corn and leaves the cheese
JUDGE: give this man full custody of the kids
ME: no wait they do the same thing
My (32F) husband (36M) wants to start a ‘restaurant for magicians’, and it is tearing our family apart
writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
Bartender: This is from that guy at the end of the bar.
Me: A glass of milk??
*looks to the left*
Crap. That’s my Doctor.