[first day as a surgeon]
me: do you have any questions?
patient: how often do people die during this surgery?
me: just once
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My sister sent me a picture of us when we were teenagers with a caption “look how pretty you used to be”
[i sweetly pet a wild baby deer in my lap] aww this is so boring
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
me: this is my cousin, carlos
wife: nice to meet you
carlos: *kissing her hand* mucho gusto
me: *whispering in her ear* that means a lot of wind
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of enjoying coffee in the morning you can braid hair while I pack lunches and we can all be late.
Be to, or be not to, the question, that is.
– Yoda does Hamlet
Got bucked off my high horse. Now I only have contusions of grandeur.
me: *leaving the bathroom* trust me you do not want to go in there
friend: that bad huh
me: you have no idea
[earlier in the bathroom]
man in the corner: *throwing pennies*
me: please *ow* stop *ow* throwing *ow* pennies *ow* at *ow* me
My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone
Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die
COWBOY: This town ain’t big enough for the both of us.
CITY PLANNER: No this is just the mockup. The actual town will be much bigger.
[text]
11:56 pm
Her: whatcha doin?
Me: taking a shit12:03 am
Her: whatcha doin now?
Me: same shit different day
Mommy what’s an “Act of God?”
Me: *Flashback to my CrossFit trainer* Well dear, an “active god” is in his mid-20s and has a smokin hot body
If you pass the drug test at dominos they fire you
Boy, are you a protractor because with all your measured angles and collected numbers you’re such a transparent tool.
Surround yourself with people who will groom your eyebrows should you ever become comatose
5-year-old: Can I borrow a dollar?
Me: You don’t have a job. How will you pay me back?
5:
Me:
5: I’ll borrow another dollar.
In my day, milk crates were used only for their God given purpose – holding your record albums
me: onion rings and a bottle of wine for the table
waiter: white or red
me: *trying to impress my date* whichever onion the chef prefers
me: can I buy you a drink
girl (who is a teacher): I don’t know, can you?
me (also a teacher): no
A secretary walks into her boss’s office and says, “Can I use your Dictaphone?”
He says, “No, dial with your finger like everyone else.”
Kevin Hart 🤣🤣🤣
Doctor: Any food allergies?
Patient: Sometimes dairy products disagree with me
Carton of milk: That’s not true
I like people who can tell you exactly which live music gig caused their early onset hearing loss.
According to my wife I’m the best at driving over every pothole when she has to pee.
Date: I can’t go out with a guy unless he’s a big dog person
Me [a werewolf]: This is your lucky day
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
Things could be worse. You could have to fight a chicken to get to the recipe.
ladies, I know we are all lonely in quarantine, but you need to quit calling me like “this is your student loan provider just letting you know that a SWAT team is on their way”
I don’t know, guys. The whole “play dead when a bear attacks” thing sounds suspiciously like something the bears would come up with…