You’re not doing Britishness right unless you’ve apologised to at least three inanimate objects in the past 24 hours.
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*uses a selfie stick to selfie with my new friends in the police lineup*
Yeah sex is cool, but have you ever flossed your teeth after eating corn on the cob?
INFORMER!!!
Younosaydahdfrxqpgirnmekdmhgjwrztnhyenixblaamm…
A LICKY BOOM BOOM DOWN!
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Stop breeding everything with poodles!!!
Let’s settle this like adults.
Rock, paper, scissors.
I’ll never buy an electric guitar. Only gas guitars for me thank you very much.
I have to ugly cry for the facial recognition to work.
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Cashier: you’re 8 cents short
Me: it’s only 8 cents can you just let it slide
Cashier: no
Me: *slides cashier 20 dollars* what about now
IKEA challenge: assemble anything with drawers
IKEA double challenge: add cats
IKEA triple challenge: now wine
I just released my own fragrance.
Now everyone in the car is pissed off.
Megaman is such a hard game! I’ve beaten Ice Man & Fire man but this guy just shoots me before I can even move. How do I beat Zimmer Man?
If you ever see a ghost DO NOT put a sheet over your head and make noises. They find it offensive.
A story that ends with a corpse on the floor is a tragedy. A story that begins with a corpse on the floor is a mystery. A story that begins with a floor on a corpse is The Wizard of Oz.
My Car would not run, neighbor said it was a problem with the stringy thing..Took it to a Quantum Mechanic and he disagreed w string theory
“Can I buy you a drink?”
Sure! What’s your name?
“Uhh. I don’t know. I never get this far”
You don’t know your name?
*sweats* Pants are cool
i’ve got a bag of quarters and the afternoon off. 👀
*takes my split ends to couples counseling*
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
12
The number of times you can use the word moist while ordering pizza before they refuse to send the delivery guy to your house
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense
“Paintings or it didn’t happen.” – 1700’s-1920
Me: will I find a wife
Fortune teller: no
Me: u didnt do the thing with the cards
Fortune teller [flips one card, maintains eye contact]: no
Hey gang, let’s talk about what has gone right today.
Ok, good talk. See you tomorrow.
[olive garden]
HOST: when you’re here you’re family
DAD: brb gonna go grab some cigarettes
If your spouse’s loud chewing bothers you, imagine how much it tortures the poor begging dog.
The only time anyone’s ever gotten choked when having sex with me is when they got bored and started eating a sandwich.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.