When my wife picks a restaraunt that I don’t like, I just say “oh yeah, that’s where that really cute girl works”.
Problem solved.
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Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
My kid, “mumma, what is ‘u’ doing in the spelling of a building?”.
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
My ex is fat!!! Yay…I win!!!
me: when I was your age, I had to work for everything I had, your generation is just looking for handouts u lazy piece of shit
baby:
(during sex)
Me: Is that good?
Her: Real good, baby.
Her mom: Good af.
Me: How many more dates until your mom quits chaperoning us?
Her: I dunno. Mom?
Her mom: Honey, look at him, not me. You’re making this weird.
If you date someone working for the federal government and then break up, does he become FedEx? #oksorry
Wow so when Joe Biden and Jill Biden sleep in the same bedroom, it’s cute, but when I do it, secret service arrests me for trespassing in the White House.
Is it because I’m brown??
After I tucked my 3yo into bed he handed me his water cup and said “you can freshen this on your way out”. I updated my resume to reflect my experience running a hotel.
*calls 911*
Hey, I found some big guns.
*Cops surround the house. I come outside flexing and get shot 263 times.*
My wife is terrified of thunderstorms. The banging outside the window is horrendous, but if we let her in she’ll just get the dog all wet.
Apparently trying to bribe a zookeeper to set up an animal Thunderdome situation will get you kicked out of the zoo.
If you’re pretty, you’re pretty; but the only way to be beautiful is to be loving. Otherwise, it’s just “congratulations about your face.”
Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
The cool side of the pillow just stole my bf.
A Doctor’s Guide on Pain Management: “What’s your pain level on a scale of 1-10?”
1 – “Why are you here?”
2
3
4 – “That’s not that bad, you can manage.”
5
6
7 – “You’re exaggerating.”
8
9
10 – “You’re lying.”
Stop buying plastic skeletons for Halloween. It’s terrible for the environment. Locally sourced, all natural skeletons are much more environmentally friendly.
Luckily you can’t be arrested for soliciting a donut.
Prank: if you’re standing at a busy intersection light beside a guy staring at his phone take 2 steps forward & see if he walks into traffic
Uh oh I planned two dates today thinking one of them would cancel and now I have to come up with a lie and quick
Microwave broke and I had to cook on the stove like freaking Betty Rubble.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
How bad is it, doc?
“Well, you’ll never run again”
So basically the same
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.
I hope in my next life I come back as a McChicken so men will look at me lovingly and also settle for me out of desperation
Whenever I feel guilty about buying another book, I like to remind myself that I just purchased 1-5 years of that person’s life for 26 dollars.
*I come home with an empty stroller*
WIFE: OMG, where’s the baby?
ME: …so there was a Dad Joke Battle
WIFE:
ME: I CAN WIN THE BABY BACK
whoa, you should really talk to someone about that!
— me, first day as a therapist
Is divorce spelled with one bottle of champagne or two?