I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
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We got a tornado warning, and I’m too scared to open my windows. Don’t want any sharks in my house.
6yr old: *tries to stick her fingers up my nose*
Me: Stop it! Get away from me, I don’t want your fingers in my nose.
6: What? I washed my hands.
I don’t know the full history of US and Canada but somehow we’ve got joint custody of geese
I sleep with a knife under my pillow just in case someone breaks in my house with cake.
Welcome to parenting. None of the pencils in your house have erasers on them now.
😂😂😂😁😁🤣🤣
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
When it rains, are ducks like OMG my home is falling on me
I feel tired and weak. Probably just getting older and nothing is wrong. Well, time to read the news
Roses are infrared
Violets are infrared
I’m hunting you for sport
And soon you’ll be dead-a valentine from the Predator
Eating scrambled eggs directly off the bathroom floor to demonstrate my faith in modern cleaning products
He was a meter boy, she said see you liter boy
I’d rather be liked than loved. When you disappoint a girl who likes you, she’s less likely to make a pact with Lucifer to destroy your life
11 y/o Daughter: [opens xmas present] uh..cable ties?
Wife: she asked for a pony..
Me: a pony? ..SHE CAN’T EVEN LOOK AFTER HER CABLES LINDA
Beth on Facebook “Can’t believe its Monday again already”… if only there were some way for her to calculate the order in which days occur.
*Last Will & Testament
And to my children, I leave this pile of paper scraps with ingredients written on them, but not any measurements or the name of the recipe those ingredients are supposed to make.
Wife: please don’t let our daughter dress herself anymore.
Me: oh. wow. ok.
Wife: what?
Me: nothing, it’s fine.
Wife: you dressed her this morning didn’t you?
You think cannonballs scream ‘humans’ right before they land in water
*novela book bar*
bartender: let me guess books not booze
him: tequila …
bartender: ’bout time here you go
him: … mockingbird
bartender: there it is
Twitter is over Capacity! Well, so’s my liver but you don’t see me slowing down because of it.
Him: I’m a champion bull rider, baby. I know how to handle the ride.
Me: All I’m hearing is you last for 8 seconds.
The dude who designed almond-milk cartons to look exactly like chicken-broth cartons should have to drink the coffee I just made.
Very normal stages of anger:
1) kinda upset
2) crying
3) imagining yourself singing a revengeful song to them at a talent show
*Werewolf about to eat me*
Me: I hope I give you meat sweats.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
Don’t ask me if I have a safety pin if you’re going to look at me all weird when I pull one out of my pocket and hand it to you.
Formaldehyde implies the existence of casualdehyde.
“Expecto me to be there”
Harry Potter RSVPing to a party
Million dollar idea: Orange Tupperware for spaghetti sauce.
hoping nobody noticed you peed in the pool like