[tsunami approaching]
guy: RUN
me: wait why is the T silent
You Might Also Like
Airports have the right idea. If you鈥檙e gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It鈥檚 only fair.
“Once we come down off this wall we’ll be on the lam. That means we’re fugitives, laying low, on the run…”
– condescending con descending
Every Political Ad Ever:
I’m a rich guy who’s not like the other rich guy he’s a total douche.
*Paid for by my rich guy friends*
Sometimes the trash takes out itself. Unfortunately, it usually runs its stupid mouth first.
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I hate when you lose all that progress you made at the gym by going 6-7 years between workouts.
[running into my ex while shopping]
Me, under my breath: smooth peanut butter, smh. dodged a bullet there.
Her, to the dolls riding in my cart: hello Cynthia. Anne.
(Family Reunion)
Me: …and the real loud guy who keeps talking with his mouth full?
Wife: That鈥檚 Murray…He鈥檚 my cousin once removed.
Me: Any chance we can remove him again?
I haven鈥檛 cleaned my shower in so long, it鈥檚 becoming a terrarium. Absolutely gorgeous.
him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
My neighbor Ron is mad at me just because my book ‘The Many Lawn Care Mistakes of My Neighbor Ron’ is a hit with both critics and readers.
A sex robot is gonna shoot someone with a 3D gun in my lifetime
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
me:[drinking from a human skull]
him: is that full of blood?
me: don鈥檛 be gross [forgetting if his name is Robert or Roger] Robgert.
[first phone call]
Watson: hello
Graham Bell: Eureka!! It works!! While I have you, did you know your vehicle warranty is about to expire?
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
Move over, pizza rat. 馃崟 A Philadelphia woman found a groundhog outside of her home munching on a piece of pizza for over an hour, completely unfazed by her two dogs.
[Truth or Dare]
Her: What’s your biggest secret?Salazar Slytherin: *sweating* No secrets here haha. Definitely not a chamber full of ’em
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Once these Teslas learn how to plug themselves in they won鈥檛 need any of you anymore
“I guess I’m just feeling cynical,” grumbles Judas.
“More like SIN-ical,” mutters Jesus.
“What?”
“Nothing. Have more wine.”
13 years of marriage and my husband has never asked me to make him a salad
When does he ask for one? During a pandemic when we鈥檝e run out of vegetables and grocery pick up is in three days
Therapist: How’s your narcissism?
Much better I thin…*sees my ex walking by* [opens window] HOW ARE YOU STILL ALIVE I BROKE UP WITH YOU!”
Autocorrect changed “decaffeinated” to “defecated”, and despite what my wife may claim, I’m pretty sure she knew what I wanted a cup of.
If you live alone and you have pets they don’t know your name
[8 AM]
Wife [walking into living room]: What time did you get up?
Me: 5 AM.
Wife: But it鈥檚 the weekend! WHY SO EARLY?!
Me [sipping coffee]: I鈥檝e had 3 kid-free hours of silence.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: Why didn’t you wake me?
Hypnotist: you are getting very sleepy.
Me, a parent: I鈥檓 already there, pal.
If Wonder Woman and Spider-Man go into business together, they should call it Amazon Web Services.
we’re gonna need another temp