4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
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As I walk through the valley of the shadow of death I say unto myself I SHALL NEVER… USE APPLE MAPS AGAIN…
me: whatcha guys watching?
10: oh this old timey dinosaur movie
The Land before time. They were watching… The land before time…
CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
Just left a note on the ex’s car saying “I STILL LOVE YOU” hope it doesn’t go unnoticed. I keyed it in pretty deep.
my niece: I love dogs! They’re so cute and smart and fun! I really really really want a dog!
me: I walked seven blocks with a stinky bag of steaming dog poop this morning
my niece: maybe a cat
the answer was staring at me all along
Boss: Read me one of your funny tweets
Me: Not right now I’m working
Boss: Bahahahaha tell me another one
“Kids are picking on me, Mom”
I’ll teach you how to fight, son.
“Yes!”
[Mom spreads rumors about son and ignores him for 3 days]
Why is it called an exorcist’s holy water and not disinfecthaunt?
…and send
I think I speak for everyone when I say how dare you, Oreo serving size, how dare you.
Robber: *is literally robbing my house*
My dog: pls mister robber pet my belly pls
[slowly pushing iceberg in front of titanic]
little mermaid: 🎶I’ll have gadgets and gizmos a-plenty🎶
Well if you cant buy babys at Babys R Us what in the world do they sell?
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Having hot lemon water every morning is definitely working. I’ve never felt more arrogant.
me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
#WhenIWasYourAge: We had to open all doors by ourselves. None of them knew we were coming.
[Approaches table]
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Him: This is an AA meeting.
Me: Oh, I’m sorry. Can I buy you some drugs?
Eating healthy is boring but it can extend your lifespan so basically there are no advantages
Not everyone realizes this, but if you clean the pile of receipts out of a purse and stack them together, it makes a teeny tiny book about why you’re broke.
I can’t wait to see my older sister so she can point out I have more gray hair than she does.
america: tremble at our nuclear might
also america: we skip the number 13 on elevators when we build skyscrapers cos that’s spooky
CREEPY DUDE: I’ll give you some candy if you get in the van.
HANSEL: He seems nice.
GRETEL: I’m starting to think you wanna die.
If my dog doesn’t like you, then I don’t like you. Unless you’re hot, then the dog can go in the crate for a couple hours.
Them: Writers are birthing bravery.
Me, a writer: Can I have an epidural please?
[carrying sleeping cat out of burning house]
seriously, what purpose do you serve
Happy Lunch to those who celebrate!