I’m not transphobic, I used to play with toy locomotives all the time!
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Please don’t block me. 🤣🤣🤣
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.
What he said, “Let’s just drop it.”
What I heard, “I can’t think of a single way to win this argument, I bow to your wit and intelligence.”
dentist (who has studied mouths for years and has my mouth on display with perfect lighting, and is asking this question because she knows i haven’t been flossing): have you been flossing
me (slyly): yes
[drops a pinch of fish food into fish tank]
ME: here ya go little buddies
FISH: oh wow pukey shit flakes again, thanks man
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
MARY: Your welcome…
JON: It’s “you’re” welcome.
MARY: …is overstayed.
Some dude told me he’s had 100 times more girls than me which made me laugh so much because 100 x 0 is still 0.
Rob somebody at gunpoint today, show the world how serious you are at nicknaming your new friend Robert.
Employment is basically an arranged marriage with your coworkers.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
*gets hit by car
**back cracks
Me: Thank you!
The opposite of a vegan is a Texan
No I’m not drunk driving
My kids just keep demanding I LOOK
Still super weird to me that humans can make other smaller humans. I wish mozzarella sticks could make other smaller mozzarella sticks.
I still can’t believe someone stole my neighbours wind chimes tomorrow morning
Break into your neighbor’s house every night but don’t take anything just put a cape on their dog
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there
My wife has given me some birthday cake to take to my friends at work.
They do not know about it.
She will never know if they received it.I now have what I like to call “my cake.”
I’m beginning to suspect that my boyfriend is not really a ninja & that he moved out nine month ago.
walked into a screen door after seeing a bird fly into a glass window, this probably means something, probably something stupid
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
Guy next to me at Mariners game didn’t stand for national anthem. Unpatriotic bastard. I should push his wheelchair down the stairs.
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Rookie mistake: taking your gummies after you brush your teefs.
PROPOSAL: Rebrand shootings as “late-term abortion.” Watch the GOP scramble to stop them.
Good Cop: You’re going away for a long time, buddy.
NFL Cop: Don’t listen to him. Two games, tops.
Turducken? My food rules are few, but I’d put “don’t eat a food with ‘turd’ in its name” in my top 5.
PSA: if visiting family this holiday weekend, only bring up political topics that will outrage all family members for the same reason(s)