🎶I’m going to wash that man right out of my hair🎶
*tiny little man falls out of my hair with a gentle thud*
Him: Is that a new shampoo?
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Remember: when you kiss someone’s elbow, you’re also kissing the gut of every person they’ve ever elbowed.
all you need for a winnie the pooh costume is a red tshirt and courage
what could possibly go wrong?
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
If you’re suddenly feeling warm and wet, it might be because I put your Voodoo doll somewhere warm and wet.
[supermarket]
Woman, to hubs: There’s no such thing as too much cheese!
Me: *peels a cheddar slice from my emergency roll*
M: *writes my cell number on it* I like your style babe, call me
M: *eats the cheese* DAGNABBIT!
M: *peels a cheddar slice from…
Tried to convince the kids helping me to make vegetable soup would be as fun as going to the playground. It did not work.
same energy
My husband lost 10 lbs without trying. I’m waiting for him to apologize.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
In Medieval times, people used antimony as a 𝘳𝘦𝘶𝘴𝘢𝘣𝘭𝘦 laxative.
Today, we can eat a different hotdog every day.
This dogs tail is more talented than I will ever be
Oh my god don’t get heckled by British soccer fans. I didn’t even do anything and 150 of them just chanted my bank login and password back to me to the tune of Wonderwall. Are you kidding me
Me at 25: I would never date anyone who smokes.
Me now: I would never date anyone.
Please join me in prayer for my two year old daughter, her sleeve is wet.
everyone: IT WAS COLD OUT THIS MORNING BUT NOW ITS WARM! WHATEVER SHALL WE DO?
me: finally *slowly unzipping my khakis at the knee so they become shorts* now is my time to shine
Looking like shit greatly increases your chances of seeing someone you know at the store by 90%.
As a responsible parent, I gave my kids a healthy breakfast of strawberries w/ milk & a little sugar…
frozen.
OK IT WAS ICE CREAM!
FitFam?
Turns out when society collapses, every single person has the exact same instinct and it is to bake bread
My dog turning immediately around at the door when he sees the rain like eight-year-old me when I saw my first outhouse at daycamp. No thank you I’m good.
i’m a 44 y/o man that can’t pretend anymore wtf is a timothee chalamet
I have literally never asked anyone where was the library in Spanish. What other lies did I learn in school?
Me: *flips pillow to the cool side*
Cool Side of the pillow:
BEAT IT NERD!
Me: *flips pillow back to the nerd side*
Is it rude to interrupt someone’s wedding vows and ask if it’s time for cake?
Therapist: Tell me something that keeps you up at night.
Me: my husband’s snoring
Therapist: let me rephrase
OMG I’M SO OLD AND OUT OF TOUCH WITH POP MUSIC WHAT SONG DOES BREXIT SING
WIFE: He wanted me to lay these coins over his eyes at his funeral
FRIEND: Seems like a waste of chocolate
Get off your high horse. Seriously, it’s not safe to ride any animal that’s stoned.
Rosetta Stone says they’ll have me speaking another language in a month. Babbel says one week. But this bourbon only takes, like, an hour.
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*