Me: people who betray you need to know that they make us incapable of trusting again
My mum: it was one mango that was bad of the lot! Just let the vendor go!
You Might Also Like
Mugger: Give me your wallet and… is that a Rolex?
Me: It’s a fake.
Mugger: What about her diamond ring. Is that fake?
Me: *nervously look at my wife* No, no. That’s 100% real…
Come over for dinner. I’m making a big deal out of nothing.
Girlfriend: [breaking up with me by phone] Hopefully someday it’ll be clear but you and I are not the same.
Me: Obviously not. They’re two different letters.
*click
We used to look at my mom like she was crazy when she’d scream at us but now I know this is the only way children can hear you.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
[church fundraiser]
me: *takes out a $100*
priest: *eyes wide* bless you my child
me: aww thank you! do you have $99.50 in change?
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
Why is everything so sticky?
-parenthood
I’m sick and tired of people telling me to turn off my lights to save the environment. I tried it once and I hit a cyclist.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
The way my son reacts when I approach his face with a tissue is the way you’d react if I approached your face with a nailgun.
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
[first date]
I’m sorry, I fiddle when I get nervous
“That’s okay”
Yeah….
*jams out epic fiddle solo for the rest of the date*
Me: I have a million things to get done before Christmas
Also me: now seems like the perfect time to learn origami
Until recently I thought cardi b was a type of sweater.
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
He stares up at the sign, tears streaming. Arthur “Pantless” Jackson smiles. The search has taken him 10 years and to 14 countries. He opens the door. The clerk looks up from his phone. “Can I help you?” he asks. “Yes,” says Arthur, “I’m Jackson, and I believe you have my pants.”
If all your friends jumped off a bridge, would you Instagram it?
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
This cashier is a moron
-Me at self checkout
Just bit into a Pop Tart so hot that it caused me to involuntarily perform the falsetto “ah-ha-ha-ha-” intro to Stayin’ Alive
when i read a tweet that ends with “thanks for coming to my ted talk” i get excited and look around to check whether im truly at a tedx conference. usually im being played for a fool and im just under a car again
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
HER: Wow you look great.
ME: Thanks. I use both my eyes.
how do they get the mashed potatoes into the french fry shell
me: they’re having a retirement party for my coworker
my father, an immigrant: what’s a retirement party? you mean a funeral?
At the pediatrician’s office:
Me: I know every word to every song I have ever heard.
Receptionist: Great, but I asked for your son’s birthday.
Me: ……
My kid will be out of the house in a few years and it just makes me sad thinking about how much work I’ll have to put into updating her room to a home gym