dr: we had to remove your colon
me why
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I’m gonna be in trouble when my kids are older and realize how much of my parenting advice is just Kenny Rogers lyrics.
School be like
Apparently, if you stop to help an armored truck broke down on the side road, they’ll mace and taser you. In that order.
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Why was Bezos rocket named Blue Origin and not Shuttlecock?
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
[stopping the tattoo artist 15 seconds into my “feel no pain” tattoo] ok so you’re gonna laugh
My mother in law did not appreciate my request she “say hello to jesus for me” on her way out the door for mass
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
If I ignore life will it go away?
“Don’t be a stranger,” I say, having already forgotten the name of the person I’m talking to.
Whenever I see a hot girl on the streets I’m like HOLY CRAP I’M OUTSIDE.
It’s possible to suck at everything if you put your mouth to it.
judge: we hereby find you guilty of parrot smuggling
me: this is bullshit
*from jacket* this is bullshit
Being an adult is like being a paper clip. Everyone knows you’re twisted, but you’re expected to hold a lot of things together.
my birthday is tomorrow on the Ides and I’m excited to celebrate by doing what Julius Caesar SHOULD have done: staying home and avoiding my friends
cop: i pulled you over for going 68 in a 55
me: dang, 68? can you make that number a little cooler so i can hear the judge read it out loud haha
cop: sure whatever
[later in traffic court]
judge: how were you going 420 in a 55
Please, person who just said “libary”, tell me more about what an avid reader you are.
Hangman is a lovely childhood game where you slowly draw a man killing himself if another kid can’t read your mind.
[Talking w/Doc]
The wife wants to try period sex
“Seems unsanitary to me”
I dont think u understand-
*wife bursts in wearing medieval armor*
Dear Milk of Magnesia manufacturers:
Please add : ‘Don’t trust a fart’ to your side effects label.
kthanksbye
If IKEA and LEGO combined forces our children could make our furniture.
Of all the cheeses, sharp cheddar is the most difficult to deceive.
Me: I can’t believe we have $900 for Christmas gifts this year!
Fridge: I don’t feel well. I think I have a fever.
welp
*logs onto online banking*
Oh good, my emergency dollar is still there
the year is 2046: leggings & cargo shorts have become sentient, the world is very different but we’re all pretty comfy
me: please go clean your room
5: mom don’t yuck on my yums
me: who taught you that?
5: my teacher
me: …how do you feel about being a kindergarten dropout?
if she’s cute let her know. go AWOOOGOOO. pop ur eyes out of ur head. drop ur jaw to the floor. roll ur tongue out like a red carpet.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*