Scenes around 10 Downing Street tonight 😅 Congratulations England, richly deserved 👏🏽🏆 #PAKvENG #T20WorldCupFinal
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I just saw an article titled “Can We build a Real Jurassic Park?”
DID YOU FORGET WHAT HAPPENED IN THE MOVIE?!
One of my co-workers just called the elevator a “vator”. Anyways, long story short, this is my one phone call…
Can u imagine getting married and having a family and staying in love until u die, then waiting in the afterlife for your wife to join you and she finally dies and ditches u for a dude she knew for three days on a boat instead?? Anyway I’d give Titanic a 9/10
I have an innuendo addiction and I’m really pleased when I manage to write a tweet without one. It’s really hard when you just want to slip one in.
cdc: corona lives on countertops for hours
my cat: *slowly pushes it off*
Day drinking poolside. There’s literally nothing that could ruin this moment.
“MOMMY WATCH THIS!”
just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Sick of your relatives? Just start coughing, they’ll clear out in no time
As I move away from the hometown that’s nurtured and protected me ever since I was 9 years old, I fondly wave goodbye to the place that saw me grow from a 50 pound weakling in to a 250 pound weakling.
The water out of the bottle I stuffed into the fridge without a lid last night tasted like lettuce, and now I just have so many questions, like first of all, who bought lettuce?
shit just got real
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
REALTOR: This community has a great neighborhood watch
WIFE: [sees me suddenly excited] Don’t you dare
ME: WHO DECIDES WHO GETS TO WEAR IT
Everyone getting arrested and losing their job for storming the Capitol building are realizing why their grandparents wore hoods.
[gets pulled over for speeding]
Where’s the fire ma’am?
*grips lighter*
“I’m not sure yet”
An enterprising divorce lawyer would set up a booth on a Sunday at a cut-your-own Christmas tree farm.
Slippers made out of Lego so that when you step on Lego you just get taller.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
“The best things in life are free.”
– Kleptomaniac
I’m the drunk sheep of the family.
If you haven’t heard from your boss in a few hours, be sure to message them and ask if they’re mad at you.
I’m still awake because my brain can’t locate my sleep file, babe
The Real Housewives of Sesame Street
-Where was I conceived, dad?
Dad: Ahh *rubs back of neck* At the Bellagio in Las Vegas.
-Rly?
Dad: Wd I lie to u, Bestwestern Broomcloset?
[puts cone of shame on dog]
ME: (to dog) sory buddy
DOG: (to all other dogs in neighborhod) BOW DOWN TO LORD FLOFFYTON HEARER OF ALL BARKS
Courageously battles through my ice cream headache
Maybe Kate Middleton ran away with me. You don’t know.
Someone found my missing homemade scarf, but they’ll only let me have it back if I pass a pattern- knitty test.
High school teachers: your college professors won’t be nearly as laid back as I am
My college professor: