Pete Davidson would have stole Helen Of Troy from both those mfs.
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Nothing says, “I have a lot of free time,” more than someone eating a pomegranate.
Capricorn: Are you really gonna trust NASA? After they left Matt Damon on Mars? Who does that?
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
In today’s edition of ‘AI isn’t smart enough to kill us yet,’ Dane Cook is trending under Food.
How fast “Little pig, little pig, let me in”
turns in to “Not by the hairs on my chinny chin chin”Ugh!
*Keeps plucking*
*Job Interview
Me: “Thanks for meeting with me”
IKEA Manager: “My pleasure. Have a seat”(Sees nothing but a pile of finished wood, quarter inch screws, and an allen wrench)
Me: “What…”
Manager *starts timer*
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
All I’m saying is if paper beats rock why are rocks used as paperweights?
Boss: You need supervision.
Me: *squints really, really hard*
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
9 out of 10 times, if you call the 1-800 number printed on a consumer product, the person who answers won’t tell you what they’re wearing.
Back in my day, we didn’t have iPads.
If we wanted to act elitist, we stuck the collars of our Polos straight up.
God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
My husband would need to live to be 200 to finish all the things he said he “was GOING to do”
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
Forget about whether or not you have curves, real women have brains.
Me: When I walk into the room everyone hisses at me
Therapist: How does that make you feel?
Me: Like filling my house with vipers was less awesome than I’d imagined
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
I worked out which made me so hungry I ate a wheel of cheese, in case you’re wondering how my new healthy lifestyle is going
On a scale of corn to manycorn how impressed are you by my new corn-based number system
I slept well. My eyebrows evidently tossed and turned.
[valentine’s day]
gf: [reading my txt] “keith just said he’s going to give me 92 minutes of pleasure tonight”
her friend: “oh wow”
[later watching shrek 2]
me: “you look disappointed”
nobody:
my fish before I fry it:
There are two types of children: those that get up in the middle of the night, and those who get up way too early. And they’re siblings.
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
doctor’s receptionists when you ask them to book you an appointment which is literally their job
grandchild: when did you know you were gonna marry grandpa?
me: when the dude brought 4 different slices of cheesecake on the second date.
Went on a date once.
He ordered for me, “She’ll have a small side salad.”
I said, “Yes, and a side of sirloin and a loaded baked potato.”
marriage tip: if your wife says she gained weight on vacation and you find out you lost weight – no you did not. in fact, you gained more than her plus you now have diabetes and need an oxygen tank. got it? ok good talk.