If Dean is Dean then why is Sean Shawn?
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*tells five other people to remember their toothbrush for vacation.
*forgets her own toothbrush.
Active Yeast: Let’s make that bread fam
Inactive Yeast: Let’s stay in bed man
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
I’m not saying she’s worse than my mom…
But my wife doesn’t seem to like any of my girlfriends.
“Huge hole found growing on surface of Sun”
*drops string cheese*
“This hole is no cause for alarm”
*picks up string cheese*
My husband: JUST TRUST ME
Me: Uhh you wanted to name both of our kids Atomic
Free cake in the break room and these people turn into cheetahs on a gazelle.
I think Pam from Accounting died.
She wasn’t strong enough.
Satan giving a tour of hell: “Over there we have people who make that sound when they chew gum and idiots who use hashtags on Facebook.”
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.
HEY. Our ancestors didn’t eat brunch. They ate rocks. And fought dinosaurs. Ever heard of fire? They INVENTED it. Enjoy your Bloody Mary.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?
Pretty sure I’ve gotten as far as I’m going to get in life on my looks.
Narrator: He he not gotten very far.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
Him: “I feel-”
Me: “I FEEL IT TOO. IT’S JUST LIKE PHOEBE SAID. YOU’RE MY LOBSTER.”
Him: “-gassy.”
[in bed, 6 AM]
Me: Good morning.
Wife: mmmph
Me: Happy Easter.
Wife: mmhmm
Me: Guess who else is also Risen this morn-
Wife: GO AWAY
Poker is a game of pretending you’ve got something better than you really do. Poker sounds a lot like my marriage.
My favorite state to visit?
Unconsciousness
Want to leave a lasting impression? Show up three hours late for a first date.
Pixar has made me feel affection towards rats, bugs, fish, robots, monsters and even cars. The real test would be a movie about coworkers.
A horse walks into a bar & the bartender says, “why the long face?” & the horse says, “why the English Lit degree?”
devastated to announce I did not win the mega millions so I will be at work on monday
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
We need tire spike strips installed for those idiots who can’t follow the big arrows and drive the wrong way down parking lot isles.
They’ll remember what those arrows mean next time.
I have 2 moods:
NAMASTE
&
NAMASTAB
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
Cats always look like they have been on the phone with customer service for 3.5 hours and god dammit don’t you dare transfer me to another department Sharon
If you could only see yourself through my eyes, then you’d see how blurry you really are.
Girls greet each other normally the way I’d act if I saw a friend who I thought was dead.
Me, excited because I don’t have to make school lunches for the next three months.
*Summer camps have entered the chat.*