You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
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You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
COP: “Sir, do you know why I pulled you over?”
ME: “It was way easier than solving a murder?”
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.
migraine |my-grain|
noun
1 a recurrent severe headache
2 what a farmer shouts in disbelief after a terrible storm destroys his wheat field
Make sure you’re checking your kids candy this year. Just found a Glock in a Twix bar
After a series of bad choices I am inside two wolves
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
Please take the smartphone away from your pets, they are spamming your Facebook with selfies.
“Having sex for money is bad because it is counterfeiting feelings” wow dude, I have bad news about every other customer service job ever
If you didn’t want me gazing in your bedroom window then you shouldn’t have put it at the same height as my ladder.
Whenever anyone asks me where I grew up I point to a random spot in the room and say “Over there.”
It’s too bad you unfollowed me, I was about to propose.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Wife: Please stop telling people you bought me on eBay. It’s not funny
[Later]
Them: So how did you two meet?
Me: I did NOT buy her on eBay
Is there anything more infuriating than the text you get confirming you’ve unsubscribed from the text chain you just unsubscribed from?
My rapper name would be “Iffy Scent”
Love is not pushing them down the stairs when you have the opportunity.
Me: I can’t seem to lose weight
CW: Have you tried cutting back on your sugar intake
Me:*stirring coffee with snickers bar* What do you mean
I just got excited opening a new pack of socks. Being an adult is stupid
[first date]
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
MY NECK, MY BACK, A STRANGER TOOK MY CAT
#BrexitIn5Words
He’s just not into EU
The ouija board message was “if you’re reading this, I’m already dead”.
my new app automatically cuts wifi access to your teen’s phone if they are in the bathroom over 10min
Some jerk called me “pretentious” so I called him a “planktupus.” I can make up nonsense words too.
Him: How was your day?
Me: Do you think my house key is sharp enough to sever a carotid artery?
Him: *opens four bottles of wine*