nobody tell me how the eclipse goes today I’ll be watching it on delay
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The Punning Dead.
I got chased by two Canadian geese today. I know they were Canadian because when they realized I was genuinely scared, they apologized.
I always thought by this stage of adulthood I’d have my shit together but I just asked google how long you can survive without vegetables so apparently not
wife: go see if the baby sleeping
*walks into baby’s room*
baby: corporations exploit our
insecurities for profitme: no babe she woke af
WIFE: I can’t believe you peed on the seat again
ME: ok first of all in church it’s called a pew
The glittery vampire from Twilight is putting out an album.
In other news, real musicians continue to play for coins in the subway.
Fun fact: if you say “I did the math,” nobody argues with you because they don’t want to have to redo the math themselves.
Mambo Number Five, but it’s a list of all the serial killers you dated without ever realizing it
i once saw a pigeon on the subway & it got off at the financial distribct & all i coud think was “cool. that bird makes more money than me”
Oh really?! Because I see nothing in the gym membership rules that says I CAN’T just lie on the floor and watch tv all day!!
my kid can’t remember where her shoes are but remembers that 13 months ago i said maybe i would take her to see micky mouse for her fifth birthday which is of course in two weeks and of course we are not going
Wife, lecturing son: You can’t just “wing it” your entire life
Me, later to my son when we’re alone: You actually can just wing it, you just can’t tell people that’s what you’re doing
[notices a girl is cold] here take my pants
[listening to the neighbors argue through the walls]: mmw mmwm wmmw mwm mwwmm wwmw
mwm wmmwm wwmw mmwm
mwwm mmw mmwm mwwm mwmwm
me: oh stephanie you’re better than this
My favorite bible character is the woman who wanted the baby and then when Solomon said he would cut the baby in half was like “hell yeah, gimme those legs”
Fell in love with my cashier today, but then she said “Hi, how are you?” to the next customer, like that wasn’t totally OUR thing!
If you’re wondering if humans are idiots we hunt ducks with guns when they will walk right up to you if you have bread
The kids were being so annoying at bedtime last night, I threatened to take them back in time and put them to bed early.
Me: “How much for your top of the line masturbation chamber?” Sales person: “You mean the shower stall?”
Interviewer: tell me where you see yourself in 5 years
Me *makes note in diary* will do
Hell yeah 👍
Need this in my life lol
Seagulls are like street signs. You don’t realize how big they are until you’re trying to steal one.
If you’ve ever wanted to change up your name, now’s the time. New name, add a name, doesn’t matter. When you go back to work, it’ll be all Yeah, Tom, I’m pretty sure my last name’s always been Twizzlers.
My toddler just threw her teddy bear out of her crib like she works for United Airlines.
I love how Presidents will pardon a turkey and then eat a different turkey.
Why do people always ask me how my day off was? I’m a parent, my harshest boss is 3ft tall and lives in my house
please sir. i beg of you. don’t take away my job. i’ve got a tuscan kitchen & 2 full baths at home. sir. sir please. my kitchen. it’s tuscan
Me before watching a serial killer documentary: I bet this killer was so successful because of their intelligence and cunning, and not just because of the gross incompetence of local law enforcement.
Me after watching a serial killer documentary: Well, shit.
cashier: ORDER FOR GRANT
me: oh cool
cashier: 25 TACOS READY FOR GRANT
me: ok here I am
cashier: 25 TACOS TO BE EATEN SHAMEFULLY IN THE DARK READY FOR GRANT
me: hey, I’m right here
cashier: 25 TACOS REPRESENTING FEELINGS OF INADEQUACY READY FOR