[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
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our Lyft driver this evening has plenty of barf bags stashed in the back, automatic 5 stars for him
Interviewer: what qualifies you as a horticulturist?
Me: I have something growing on everything in my fridge.
My dream job is writing jokes for Penguin biscuits. Writing jokes for money is getting me nowhere.
The symmetry is uncanny.
Roe v Wade is my favorite bitter controversy about the best way to cross a small river.
Being illiterate and having a girlfriend would be easy. They’d be like “did you get my text?” and you could just be like “I can’t read.”
The 1yo did 4 squats and then ate a cookie so he’s my new personal trainer now.
I should probably switch to water soon.
*A memoir
bring me a higher love. you have 24 hours. no cops.
I’m thinking of taking my Twitter down, and @all_tweet_calls too. I probably can’t, I’m probably addicted, and I know it’s a running joke that people will say they’re deactivating & then come back.
But the haters are really getting to me.
1/
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
Bear 1: Is that guy playing Nickelback on his hike?
Bear 2: Yup. Give me a minute to stretch.
me: [listening to the same song 10 times in a row] you know what would be even better? 11 times
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
feeling cute. might rob a bank later.
Does anyone want to get married to me? Asking for a friend.
The fastest person on earth isn’t Usain Bolt.
It’s any parent with a toddler who just said they have to poop.
Common crooks Rob banks. Classy thieves Robert banks.
[Alien Vs Predator]
alien: feeling pretty unwelcome in this country lately
predator: oh man look at those cute kids over there
If I was a snake and I owned a ship I’d call it the S.S. SSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS.
Don’t people with bumper stickers realize it takes a t-shirt to change a person’s deeply held beliefs?
School – “Here is an amazing photo of the kids outside enjoying a beautiful spring day!”
Every parent – It would be amazing if my kid weren’t picking their nose
HER: You look so nervous.
ME: *nervously* HA. I’m never nervous.
HER: You’re sweating.
ME: *just freaking out* That’s bravery moisture.
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
My kids couldn’t give two shits about personal hygiene unless we are running late somewhere
Once in your life, you’ll come across a special person that makes you think the prison food will be worth it.
Me: *violently swinging a stick* these piñatas are getting harder to hit
Zip line park owner: Hello 911? He’s back again