Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
You Might Also Like
“you guys got full size candy bars in there?”
Apparently yesterday was World Homeopathy Day. Homeopathy is so useless, even its awareness day doesn’t get noticed. Maybe they should try diluting it across several months?
If you aren’t happy single, you won’t be happy taken. Real happiness comes from The Cheesecake Factory, not relationships.
I WANNA STOP DRINKING‼️ but I realized the owner of the liquor store got a family to feed! last thing ima do is let them kids be hungry 😞
for dessert we’re having a discussion about why my girlfriend didn’t laugh at a joke i made 3 years ago
I’m afraid of people who keep smiling all the time. I feel like they still have plenty of space left for more bodies in their basement.
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
If you had a gaming PC in prison, can you imagine how good you’d get
Dogs “play sneeze” to show they’re playing and not being aggressive.
What better way to break the ice with your next eHarmony date?
FBI Agent: We heard you were involved in an alien abduction
Me: I swear, I was not abducted
From basement: *inhuman screeches*
Agent: What was that
Me: My excessively human child
The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
“Oh I’m not very good at that game, but sure, I’ll play with you”
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
All liquor stores are open 24 hours. When you have a brick.
I bet deaf people scare the shit out of bank tellers when they hand them a note.
Sex is great but have you ever told some dude that there wasn’t enough room for the two of you on a very large floating door after your ship sank to the bottom of the ocean on it’s maiden voyage?
Two heads aren’t better than one if you’re both stupid.
There’s no one I respect more than duck hunters. You spent $15,000 on a camouflage boat to outsmart a duck.
My Pops told me that you can’t go around trying to save everyone. They have to save themselves. He was a terrible lifeguard.
me after being off twitter for two days: “haha wow I don’t know what anyone is talking about”
some meme: “don’t you want to?”
For cardio, I attempt to swallow vitamins, while holding a cup of piping hot coffee.
Gf: Let’s role-play
Me: Ok you be a writer
Gf: But I can’t think of anything to write
Me: ooh that’s good
A surprise party on someone’s birthday isn’t surprising. A better time would be 3-4 months after their birthday, in the middle of the night.
When a woman has her husband’s last name, my first assumption is that they got married in their 20s. I feel like by your 30s, you’ve absolutely maxed out on paperwork.
Has anyone tried flipping to the beginning of 2020 and choosing a different adventure?
Car wash vacuums can suck up old french fries, leaves, 57 cents, car keys, Ray-Bans, your first born but not that weird debris stuck in your cupholder.
my favorite part of watching any sport is when the announcer tells us that in order for the team to win they have to score more points than the other team, & when they fall short & lose the game i like to shake my head & say to myself, “should’ve listened to the announcer.”
Screech up to a yard sale. Ask if they have any haunted amulets. Yell at the dog in your backseat, “I’m GETTING the spell reversed, Greg!”
Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.