If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
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I wear tap shoes to a restaurant on a first date, that way in case he tries to murder me the news outlets can say she was last heard wearing tap shoes.
Sorry sir, I don’t do colonoscopies until at least the fourth date, maybe the second sometimes.
I really like the word aesthetic, it’s so pleasant on the eye. I wonder if there’s a word to describe that.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
[Wakes up in hospital after car crash]
I’m afraid we had to amputate both of your feet.
“OMG why?”
You were too tall to fit in the ambulance
I hate being the walking dead.
I wish I could be the driving dead.
Even the bus riding dead would do.
Why are so many men suddenly curious who my father is right in the middle of our lovemaking?
Authors subtitle books “A Novel”. Why don’t we subtitle other things? Fast and Furious: A Movie. Broccoli cheddar casserole: A Recipe.
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
#titanic
The only reason we have different time zones is because if everyone was sleeping at the same time, the aliens would make off with our stuff
Me, since I was 5: I wish I had curly hair!!
Life: Okay, I’ll give her only one curly hair that’s gray and sticks straight up in her mid thirties.
I keep a knife & cream cheese in my pockets in case i’m attacked by somebody with a plain bagel
I was never a photogenic person, because when everyone said cheese I said “WHERE ?”
Why is it called stupidity and not a total eclipse of the smart?
Cop: Know how fast you were going?
“55?”
Cop: Faster.
“217.”
Cop: Um, no, 72.
“24?”
Cop: I already told y-
“Negative 6?”
Cop: Get out.
I’ve never seen Les Misérables, but it looks like a cool movie about people who sing while working at Urban Outfitters.
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
Him: *leans in* I’m a hugger.
Me: *tases him* I’m not.
If true crime podcasts have taught me anything, it’s that serial killers are often described as: charismatic, grandiose, mobile, antisocial and sometimes can be known to live off the grid….
Yeah, I’m looking at you, Santa.
One time I spent Christmas with an exes family and they asked if I’d ever seen A Charlie Brown Christmas, and I said “no, I’m allergic to peanuts” and nobody got the joke and her mom spent all week avoiding putting nuts in stuff and we broke up like 3 weeks later. Carry on.
My daughter told me she wants to be a secret agent. Based on that alone, I don’t think she’d be a good secret agent.
The second half of your life begins when you stop wanting to get even and start wanting to get odd
Don’t you wish it was as easy to adjust the brightness level on people as it is on your phone?
Osama Bin Laden should have hid in MySpace
bruce banner: [getting angry]
black widow: here eat this [hands a mint]
bruce banner: what is this?
black widow: anger manageMINT.
hulk: [sighs heavily]
I marched in a high school band, caught an armed robber, and sold girl scout cookies. All I was trying to do was find my car.
Me: Could I plz continue watching the thing I was watching the last time I was on here
Hulu: Sure! ….if you can find it 😏